Facebook invades my blog. (I hate facebook)

25 Things I'm Assuming People Don't Know About Me.

1. I do my best to never let an opportunity to make fun of myself go by.

2. I read  a lot of books.

3. I'm very indiscriminate about where I'm willing to fart.

4. The same goes for burping. 

5. I believe that a lot more people that say they like me actually don't.

6. When I was 10, my team won the Nashua South Bambino League Mites Championship.

7. When I was 11, we did it again.

8. My senior year of college, I used to grill as many many days out of the year as I could, regardless of the weather.

9. There was a time in my life when I was physically fit.

10. When it comes to making someone laugh, there are scant few things I won't do.

11. Often times, the people I admire most have no idea I admire them.

12. I hate talking on the phone.

13. I firmly believe that adding "to your face" or "in the face" to most action verbs makes them 27x funnier.

14. 27 is an arbitrary number in the previous statement. Recent scientific studies show that it is actually 35x funnier.

15. The previous statement is completely untrue.

16. Aggression toward toddlers in a philosophical sense is okay in my book.

17. Most people are too quick to judge and refuse to keep an open mind (you annoying dickbags)

18. If I listened to all the music I wanted to, I would get nothing else done.

19. Newton's theories of energy transfer apply to love making, according to John Lennon.

20. If you don't understand #19, there's a distinct possibility I just lost respect for you.

21. If you want to argue with me about #19, there's a good possibility my respect for you just increased.

22. If your idea of getting your point across in a clearer way is to yell louder, you and I are probably related.

23. If I tagged you in this note, it's either because I like you or hate you. Can you figure it out?

24. All I want is to be loved. And to have, like, lots of money and cars and stuff.

25. Everything in the previous statement is a lie. I really just want my headache to go away. And maybe some pizza.

26. I put in 26 to see if you were paying attention.

27. I went back and checked this post for spelling and grammar.

Greg blogs from work, gets laid off

Don't worry, the two are mutually exclusive. I was laid because there's no money to pay me, not because I was blogging at work. Silly you.

This will give me far more time to blog about the stupid shit that goes on in the world. It will also give me time to drink more beer and then tell you about it! Awesome!

Speaking of which, Rising Moon, Blue Moon Brewing Company's Spring Seasonal (yes, the Spring seasonal is available in January), is easily the best of all of Blue Moon's Seasonals. It's sweet and tangy. I love it!

On a completely irrelevant topic, only one person has congratulated me on being laid off. Thanks, Dino.

Blago Out! Haggard In!

Just in time to replace disgraced ex-governor Blago, the press has decided to probe the increasingly hilarious story of Ted Haggard, disgraced pastor of a mega-evangelical-church in Colorado. In case you don't know, Haggard was outed as not only being gay, but also an amphetamine addict. Oh, and the guy that Haggard had his first affair with, which lasted 2+ years, was a male prostitute. Apparently, there was a second male lover. Also, the press is now writing articles in which Haggard expresses his sexuality (haven't read the stories).

This is hilarious for two reasons: 1. evangelicals tend to hate gays, especially those who are also drug addicts.

2. Crises, as always, are abound in this country, yet the sexuality of an unimportant person is newsworthy. Silly media.

A possible alternative to #2 is that the misery and come-uppings of outspoken purveyors of hate and ignorance, especially in the name of any deity, are always amusing to me.

Seriously though, how did Blago get away with his shenanigans for so long, especially since his evil-doings were so evil and pervasive and everyone knew he wheelings-and-dealings were tainted? It's not like the guy tried to hide it. Why is it only now that this guy's feet were held to the fire and he paid for his trangressions? Silly world we live in.

Blago gives up media blitz, goes to trial, unanimously impeached

All 40 Illinois Senators voted to impeach the magnificently-haired one for all his idiotic political crap. Sad to see my daily source of laughter go, glad justice was served.

Blago does it again!!!

Blagojevich continues to make my fucking day!

"I think of Ghandi, Dr. King (etc), when I made my decision [to boycott the trial]." 

Simply amazing. This man makes my day, every day.

When the boss is away, I'll do what I damn well please.

I just read my blog and realized none of my posts are funny.

I will work harder on this.

Thank you for your patience.

Incorrect Blagojevich WWII reference

I wrongly posted that Blagojevich cited Hitler's persecution of the Jews. My bad.

He said the legal ambush his family received on Dec. 9th, the day the story broke of his idiotic pay-to-play politics, was comparable to the way Pearl Harbor was ambushed on Dec. 7th, 1941. Still a stupid, moronic, inappropriate comparison. Still makes me laugh.

Blagojevich just won't quit!

Blagojevich is easily the most unintentionally funny person I've heard about in a long time. I refuse to actively follow his story because of the immense douche that tends to permeate everything this man touches. However, the tidbits I hear and read continuously make me laugh. 

Most recently:  

•Blagojevich's lead defense attorney resigned. I'm assuming because Blagojevich wanted some sort of monetary compensation for allowing the defense attorney to take his case and be in the public spotlight.

•Blagojevich is protesting his own trial because he feels he is being unfairly persecuted, or something idiotic like that.

•Blagojevich compared his persecution to that of Jews in Germany during Hitler's reign. 

•And of course, the hair always makes me laugh. Who the hell told this guy that hair cut was appropriate for anything? At least John Edward's $400 hair cut looked good. This guy's hair is even douche-y.

Aaron McGruder is an idol of mine.

If you only watch one more episode of one show for the rest of your life, I'd question your motives.

However, I do feel that it is absolutely important that, regardless of how objectionable one may find The Boondocks, one should watch the episode in which the late Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. is no longer late. Instead of dying from his wounds in 1963, Dr. King was rendered into a coma, only to awaken suddenly in 2006. I won't ruin anything about the episode's hilarity and satire, except to say that Dr. King is quite surprised to see what has become of his work. Please, please, please:  watch this episode. Not only is it funny, but it will make the you think long and hard about not only yourself, but the direction of the country. It is even more so relevant now that America has elected an African-American president, and all this talk has surfaced about Dr. King's dreams. Watch it. You won't be disappointed. 

We need more of this type of hard dialogue.

A new thing I'm doing for everyone and no one

I've decided to randomly start recommending books to read because I thought they were excellent and think they are important if a person wishes to stay informed about the things going on in the world.

Today's book is "Five Years of My Life" by Murat Kurnaz. There's a subtitle, but I don't remember what it is.

The book is a translation from German of one man's wrongful detention in Pakistani and American "secret" prisons, as well as his absolutely luxurious stay at the infamous Guantanamo Bay Naval Resort. He does his best to document what it was like, but like any memior, there are gaps and it's all subject to his memory, which is constructive (just like anyone else). Even if it is exaggerated and some of it is made up, there is truth to what he describes. Too many books and articles have been written and too many stories describe the same things for it to be coincidence. Read it. I finished it within a couple weeks, which never happens.

THE DODGE RAM HEMI FUCK-O CHALLENGE!!!

Yes, the Dodge Ram has now made it to my list of brands that will not be patronized (in the good way) by me in the future. Those retarded, tough-guy "Ram Challenge" ads are both unbelievably idiotic and, I'm sure, excessively expensive...both perfectly appropriate for a time when no one has any fucking money. So, congrats to both the genius-fuck-o brand managers working at Dodge and the douchbag fuck-o advertising team at Dodge's agency. Of course, with the way the advertising world is going, none of those fuckers have jobs anymore anyway.

Dodge Ram - 15 years (because I see the ad 15 times per football game)

Angry at Your Face

Don't worry about the things you can't change;

but do everything you can to change the world.

Don't ever sweat the small stuff;

but make sure to cover all your bases.

Fear is nothing but a concept in your mind;

so only focus on the your mind's will.

Work to be extraordinary;

but don't do anything out of the ordinary.

Be unique, be yourself, be an individual;

but don't ever be abnormal.

Be independent and rely on yourself for happiness;

but don't be anti-social or burn any bridges.

Never care what others may think of you;

but don't dare exist outside of the norms of circumstance.

Never judge a book by its cover;

but always be mindful of your surroundings.

Don't be opportunistic and sever meaningful ties;

but do what you gotta do to get ahead.

Follow your dreams and money and happiness will follow;

but make sure to do what you gotta do to survive.

I think it's time to head back to therapy...

Sulfur in My Beer

Boo sulfur in my beer!

But unfortunately it happens, in one of two ways (at least I think this is the case). Sulfites, also found in most wines, are used to clean the various brewing containers (vats, fermentors and the like). They're fantastic for killing any and all sorts of bacteria and eliminating any remnants of a previous batch of brew. They're not so good in your digestive system, often leading to massively painful hang-overs, nausea and that absolutely unnecessary queasy feeling in your stomach after a night of drinking. Could it just be that you drank too much? Yes. But these problems are often exacerbated by sulfites in your beer. So, be weary and pay attention to what goes into your body.

Sulfites aren't the only problem. Different kinds of sulfates are used as preservatives in beer. Many, many brewers don't use any preservatives in their beer. This means beer has a shorter shelf-life. However, if people like your beer, that shouldn't be a problem. I don't know too many people that buy a 6-pack and just lets it sit for months without refrigerating it at all. At least for me, it doesn't make too much sense for any sort of preservatives to be in beer. Especially since they lead to many of the same morning-after-drinking symptoms as sulfites. This isn't a huge worry for me, because I mostly drink craft-brews and local concoctions. (I'm such a uppity snob). If you're one of those who tends to indulge in the cheaper, more mass produced alcoholic beverages, beware. Your painful hangovers may not be entirely your fault. Budweiser, Bud Light, and most Anheuser-Busch beers contain a myriad of preservatives. Safer bets on this tier of brew would be Miller Lite and Coors Light. Neither uses sulfates and typically neither renders you useless after a night of drinking. 

Happy Drinking!

P.S.

Michelob is brewed by A-B.

Adding One More

Lexus has now found it's place on my list of shit I'm not getting because of the shitty advertising. Take that, world!

Lexus - 10 year ban (5 for the redundant red-bow holiday ads; 5 for your absolutely atrocious local dealership ads)

Can one man change the advertising world by not buying products? No. Especially if no one reads his blog. 

But I don't care. I'm doing it anyway. Because like everyone else, I'm tired of awful advertising. And I want it to stop. So, if you stop buying one brand and use a competitor, they'll either fix their crappy product, or fix their crappy advertising. Seriously. Go Nuts!!!

Blagojevich

This most recent hooplah involving Blagojevich reminds me of a Treehouse of Horror episode of The Simpsons where Bart has the eerie mental powers where everyone has to think good thoughts or else Bart punishes them somehow. Bart turns Homer into a jack-in-the-box because Homer tries to smash him with a chair. So, Homer and Marge take Bart to see Dr. Marvin Monroe, and the good doctor informs Homer and Marge that the problem with Bart is that he loves attention, but doesn't care whether he receives good attention or bad attention, so he does bad things all the time.

Basically, Bart in this episode is Blagojevich. It pretty much explains why he stayed in power rather than stepping down, why he appointed that guy instead of letting the State take care of it and why he ignored everyone that told him to step down and had to be impeached. There's a possibility that Blagojevich may be a grown-up Bart Simpson, and really only cares about the attention he's getting, not why he's getting it.

Just a thought.