1. I do my best to never let an opportunity to make fun of myself go by.
2. I read a lot of books.
3. I'm very indiscriminate about where I'm willing to fart.
4. The same goes for burping.
5. I believe that a lot more people that say they like me actually don't.
6. When I was 10, my team won the Nashua South Bambino League Mites Championship.
7. When I was 11, we did it again.
8. My senior year of college, I used to grill as many many days out of the year as I could, regardless of the weather.
9. There was a time in my life when I was physically fit.
10. When it comes to making someone laugh, there are scant few things I won't do.
11. Often times, the people I admire most have no idea I admire them.
12. I hate talking on the phone.
13. I firmly believe that adding "to your face" or "in the face" to most action verbs makes them 27x funnier.
14. 27 is an arbitrary number in the previous statement. Recent scientific studies show that it is actually 35x funnier.
15. The previous statement is completely untrue.
16. Aggression toward toddlers in a philosophical sense is okay in my book.
17. Most people are too quick to judge and refuse to keep an open mind (you annoying dickbags)
18. If I listened to all the music I wanted to, I would get nothing else done.
19. Newton's theories of energy transfer apply to love making, according to John Lennon.
20. If you don't understand #19, there's a distinct possibility I just lost respect for you.
21. If you want to argue with me about #19, there's a good possibility my respect for you just increased.
22. If your idea of getting your point across in a clearer way is to yell louder, you and I are probably related.
23. If I tagged you in this note, it's either because I like you or hate you. Can you figure it out?
24. All I want is to be loved. And to have, like, lots of money and cars and stuff.
25. Everything in the previous statement is a lie. I really just want my headache to go away. And maybe some pizza.
26. I put in 26 to see if you were paying attention.
27. I went back and checked this post for spelling and grammar.
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