Here it is. Proof that I actually do stand-up comedy

Enjoy!

President Obama, the New George W Bush

Okay, not really. But this sounds a lot like Bush to me. We elected you to do things legally and enact justice. Something about holding people indefinitely without charge doesn't sound legal or just to me. Sure, these are bad dudes. So assassinate them in the cloak of darkness like all of the Presidents before you have. We'll never know the difference and it makes for great movies and books that are made after-the-fact. Oh wait, that's just like Bush, too. There really is no way around it is there...

Glad I'm not President.

I forgot one!

Good sirs and madams, I forgot to put a very delicious, very excellent summertime beer in my list, so I will do so now.

Samuel Adams Cherry Wheat!!!

It's a year-round beer, but I find it delightfully refreshing on a warm summer's day.

I Fail

I never wrote about my beer of the week last week. I apologize.

Because of this, there will be TWO beers of the week this week. Get excited. I know I am. I can finally digest food properly again.

Recidivism for Terrorists is 1 in 7

Which is abysmal compared to the recidivism rate for drug offenders. Four out of every five persons released from prison end up back in prison on another drug charge. Comparatively, these terrorists are at lot less devoted to their cause than those in the drug game are devoted to their business (or addiction). Sure, these terrorist guys are pretty dangerous and deadly, but riddle me this (seriously, I don't have the answer):  How many Americans does terrorism kill annually and how many Americans does drug-related violence kill annually?

I'm not saying I like hearing that 1 in 7 people released from America's prisons returns to terrorism (which is hard to believe because a decent percentage of the people incarcerated for terrorism in foreign countries weren't even caught by American forces; Americans paid a bounty to shady militants who brought in people claiming they were terrorists), but comparatively speaking, we have a much bigger, more deadly problem in the recidivism rate for drug offenders than we do with terrorists. Especially considering half of the people arrested for terrorism weren't terrorists beforehand and were turned into terrorists by our use of "enhanced interrogation techniques." 

Sorry. This report doesn't scare me. Guantanamo still needs to be shut down.

Interesting tidbits of news

Obama is a flip-flopper!

Food companies have absolutely no problem poisoning their customers as long as the number that die is less than the number than buy!

Obama pulls a political move because, well, he's a politician; it makes healthcare companies look like dick bags. This totally makes the flip-flopping okay, because the political move was for a good cause. 

WordNerd's Summer Beer Guide

Sooner rather than later, and depending on what part of the country (or world) you are in, the hot summer months will be on us. And being that my choice of beverage to cool me off during those months is not a frigid glass of iced tea or lemonade, but a well-chilled beer, I thought it best to share with the world my beer-survival guide for the impending heat and humidity of the summer of 2009.

One of the best places to look for a refreshing summer beer is to our friendly brewers to the south of these United States. Latin Americans tend to have to deal with heat and humidity more often than those of us in North America, so I tend to trust their expertise in brewing a beer that goes well with this kind of weather. One might immediately say Corona or Corona Light is the way to go to rejuvenate the lost energy of a hot summer afternoon. And while it is a safe route to go if you are hosting a group of friends, I recommend a different course of action. Not all Mexican and Latin American beers are created equal (just try a can of Tecate). 

Although not as light as a Corona, I suggest taking a small step up in quality and grabbing a sixer of Dos Aquis. It is a lager beer, and a little more robust in flavor and mouthfeel than Corona. However, it is, in my opinion, a much tastier beverage and just as refreshing. 

Also a personal favorite, Carib, out of Puerto Rico, isn't a bad choice. Buyer beware with Carib:  for some reason it is difficult to find a six-pack that isn't skunked. At least it was the last time I bought one. Like Corona, it is a lighter beer meant for consumption in places that don't have winters with snow. It has been a while since I've had a fresh one, so my memory is a little hazy on the taste.

Continuing on with the Latin American brews, Presidente, out of the Dominican Republic, is not a bad choice when seeking a tasty beverage to soothe your summer burn. Presidente is a lager beer, and like Dos Aquis, is a little bolder than a Corona or Carib, but does not overwhelm at all. It goes down easily as a summer beer should.

A another beer from our southern friends that excites the palate and cools the soul during a sweltering summer is Red Stripe, out of Jamaica. Again, a lager beer, Red Stripe has a fuller flavor, but not one that uncomfortably fills the stomach or overwhelms the taste buds. It's a well-balanced Caribbean brew meant to help you enjoy a cool summer's breeze on a hot summer eve.

Americans and even some Europeans aren't too shabby at developing tasty beverages that help cool down and refresh. Many a summer time beer, both intentionally and by happenstance, can be found pouring from a tap across the US. Here are a few favorites of mine:

Samuel Adams Summer Ale:  Served with or without the lemon slice, this beer has it all. A fruity aroma with subtle hints of fruit on the tongue and a light, well-balanced feel that won't fill you up too fast. As readers will soon find out, I am quite partial to Sam Adams beers, but my praise for this particular brew is well-deserved.

Goose Island Summertime Ale:  I had the luxury of having a friend of mine bring me an entire growler of this beer and I thank him for it. A bit like Sam Summer, Goose Island has a light, subtly fruity brew that is smooth and easy to drink. A highly-recommended beer, the Summertime Ale pleases the palate and leaves room in the stomach for a burger or two.

Paulaner Hefeweizen:  Although this is a year-round beer, I do find it particularly refreshing in the summer months. Like most unfiltered Hefeweizens, Paulaner brings a lighter, fruity taste that matches it's delightful aroma. Paulaner's Hefeweizen is a favorite of mine when at a crowded bar with poor air circulation in those hot summer month's when staying at the apartment is not an option, even though it makes perfect sense.

Now realizing how long this post is, I thought I'd round out my favorites with a simple list of recommendations for those looking for a quality beer to get through those steamy summer evenings with no air conditioning; to serve at a casual summer barbeque; to share with friends as you watch from your rooftop as the sun sets behind the skyline of Manhattan and the city lights up like a child's L.A. Gear sneaker (Hey 1990s). 

Blue Moon HoneyMoon Ale

Abita Purple Haze

Hoegaarden

Chelsea Piers Checker Cab Blonde Ale

Southertier Hop Sun

Middle Ages Raspberry Ale

Six Point Sweet Action

Brooklyner Weisse

Allagash White

Magic Hat #9

Magic Hat Wacko

If that doesn't give you a head start on summer, I don't know what will. Go forth, my friends, and enjoy your summer and your summer beers. Happy drinking to you all. Beer of the Week DEBUT TOMORROW!!!

I have a real show!

My stand-up comedy career is taking off!!!! (relative to what is previously was).

I have my first non-open-mic gig next week. It is on Wednesday, May 20th to be exact. At 9 pm. At New York Comedy Club.

Here's to hoping I won't suck!

Interesting Read

About the ineffectiveness of some anti-depressants and how simply taking something, regardless of whether it is an anti-depressant or a placebo, still makes people feel better. 

A New Idea

In an effort to force myself to write more original content for my blog, in combination with my love of beer, I'm going to start reviewing one beer a week on a 0-10 scale of awesomeness. I do not have a beer to review yet for this week, although there is a fresh six-pack I just purchased sitting in my refrigerator, waiting for me to get home.

I did want to give my wonderful readers, however few or many there may be, an idea of what the numbers on the scale actually mean and where they might find certain beers on this scale. Here is how the 0-10 scale breaks down:

0-2:  Varying degrees of awful. Beers in this bracket should immediately cease production because they are so terrible that it is a travesty to other, better beers that these pieces of shit exist. Beers found in this bracket would be something along the lines of Red Dog or Keystone Light (is there a Keystone "Regular"?).

3-4:  Below-average, but still drinkable. These beers are beers that if no other options are available and I simply must have a beer, I'll have one. But I won't enjoy it. Say, if I were at a cookout and the host only had Bud Light and Corona, I would have the Corona, but only by default. Other beers in this category would be Amstel Light and Killian's Irish Red.

5:  Average. I like it, but it's nothing special. I'll get it if it's available and there's nothing better, and I won't feel bad about it. Most of the Brooklyn Brewery beers I've had would fall in this category. Also in this category:  St. Pauli Girl, Abita Purple Haze and Dos Aquis.

6-7:  Above average and usually delicious. These beers are on my "actively seek out" list, but are not at the top. I'm very happy to order one at a bar or other sort of drinking establishment, and incredibly impressed when I happen upon them at a social gathering. Beers in the this bracket would be Hoegaarden, Sam Adams Winter Lager, Sierra Nevada Pale Ale and Victory Golden Monkey.

8:  Excellent beers. These straddle the line of above average and top-notch. They aren't quite the greatest, but they are close; there is just one thing missing that keeps these beers out of the next category. Beers that reside in this category would rank among the likes of Sam Adams Summer Ale, Paulaner Hefeweizen, Lion Stout and Sam Adams Blackberry Witbier.

9-10:  The best of the best, the cream of the crop, the pinnacle of beer perfection, when these beers grace my tongue I know I am a lucky man. These beers are at the tippity top of my "actively seek out" list. If I go to some sort of barbeque or party and these brews are in attendance, I usually hug the host. Beers that live in this world are in the company of Lake Placid Ubu Ale, Sam Adams Cream Stout and Sam Adams Imperial Stout. (Note:  As of this writing, there are no "10" beers).

I like to think of myself as a hard man to please when it comes to ranking beers. There are plenty of brews that I enjoy all the way from "5" and up. This list is simply my way of telling the world what I look for in a satisfying beer. I hope you enjoy the posts about my beer of the week, and happy drinking to you all.

Also, I invite all readers to ask where their favorite beers would land on my list. 

Well this doesn't make a whole lot of sense

No hiring of teachers outside of the NYC school system. Instead, a pool of recently laid off and teachers with UNSATISFACTORY REVIEWS will be hired instead.

Way to go.

Never Thought I'd be Against Redistributing Wealth...yet here we are

I realize it's preliminary, but this idea should NOT go forward as it has been outlined in this article. Taxing the health benefits of people covered by their employers is absolutely fucking ridiculous. If I had to pay taxes on my OUTRAGEOUSLY expensive insurance (when I still had a job), I wouldn't have been able to afford said insurance. An idea like this protects many. And now that I am one of those 50 million without insurance, it would greatly benefit me. But a plan like this marginalizes people who are barely getting by as it is that still have jobs. There has to be a better way. there has to be a better idea. This is a massive failure on Congress' and Obama's part. Go back to the drawing board. Figure something else out.

New York Should Do This, Too.

And then use the proceeds from the taxes to make the public transportation system less gross. Hell, they could probably LOWER fares on the subway if they started taxing marijuana sales. 

This is an idea I've been a fan of for a while now. Mostly because the War on Drugs will never be won, and if drugs are legalized, they can be taxed out the ass, like cigarettes are, and the government can finally pay for all the shit that everyone says it can't afford. Stimulus bill:  paid for. Bail out funds:  paid for. Who will regulate it? you might ask. The DEA. Just change their jobs description from active combatant to regulatory authority. Sure, there will be bootleg drugs just like there are bootleg cigarettes, but that's what the new regulatory DEA is for. Worried the pilot of your airplane is high on heroin? DEA will keep tabs on that douche.

Of course it won't work this smoothly. Things like this never will. But about 2,000 people are dying every MONTH in Mexico from the drugs people buy in America. If both countries legalize drugs, all of those cartels come under the STRICT regulation of the government. That means they have to pay taxes and follow the rules that every other business has to follow. Maybe I'm wrong. I am a bit of a dreamer. But this seems like a much better way to fight gang-violence and cartel slaughter. And it would be a boon for the US government to pay of it's debts. 

Ugly People on My TV.

I'm noticing more and more that ugly people are trying to be passed off as beautiful in advertisements. I don't get this. I'm no prize-peach myself and definitely don't belong on television trying to sell anything, but I know unattractive when I see it. For example, a new Doritos commercial has a girl riding around in the back of a taxi as day magically becomes night while she eats the chips. This girl is kinda weird looking. And in the end, when they doll her up to look good, she looks even worse.

I'm not complaining, though. I think equality among actors and actresses, both good, bad and somewhere in between in terms of looks, is always good. Battling the whole unattainable image thing is great. The Dove campaign about real beauty was cool, even though they did Photoshop the women (relax, EVERY photo you see is retouched. Your senior portraits in high school were retouched if you graduated anytime after the late 90s). I just don't understand if all of these ugly people in advertisements are an active campaign among agencies and casting directors to bring more "real" looking people into ads, or if this is one of those things where what is considered beautiful is changing again to something that I don't find beautiful. Both are possible, but I'm betting it's the latter of the two. Or something completely different. I don't really know.

What I do know is that there are more ugly people trying to sell me stuff on TV. And it really isn't making a difference in my life whatsoever. 

Samuel Adams Rocks My Face

Admittedly, I have a soft spot for Sam Adams. The company is guided by more than just the bottom line, but by morals as well as good business. They are incredibly passionate about putting out a high-quality, delicious product. And, the president of the company is a goofy dude.

All those things aside, I have recently been quite smitten with the latest from Sam Adams, as well as with the winners of the 2008 LongShot Home Brewing Contest.

The latest release from Sammy-A would be the Raspberry Witbier:  a delectable treat for the hint-of-fruit, somewhat lighter beer drinker. Highly recommend it!

The Imperial Series this year are also amazing; although I have yet to try the Double Bock. This makes me sad. The Imperial Stout, an unbelievable brew, actually looks like melted chocolate, except less thick. The higher alcohol content gives it a bold taste, but a smooth, well-balanced one that does not disappoint. The higher alcohol content also means you're only getting four beers instead of six and that you only need two (one on a partially empty stomach) to feel groovy.

The Imperial White, while also delicious, is my lesser favorite of the two. Lighter in color, to me it seems a little unbalanced due to the 10.3% ABV, which gives it a strong punch. However, it is still a delectable delight to imbibe as the day turns to night and the cares and worries fade with the sunlight. Just watch out for the high ABV. It'll sneak up on ya.

Finally, the LongShots this year are spectacular. They all are very bold beers. However, the Double IPA easily take the cake in terms of flavor. Brewed with seven different kinds of American hops, somehow this beer isn't completely out of whack. It is definitely a sipping beer that becomes more drinkable as it warms (to a certain extent). While one may not find the taste all that enjoyable because of its strength, the aroma from this beer is heavenly. Also, watch out for the covertly high ABV. Two of these just might get you a little sauced.

The LongShot Traditional Bock is less forward in its flavor, and for that reason, more drinkable. Of the three, I'd have to say that I like it the least, but it's still a great beer. The hops are not as prevalent as the Double IPA, and as such the aroma is not as flowery, but it is still a tasty beer that I recommend. 

The final LongShot is the Cranberry Wit. This beer is less fruity and more bold than the Blackberry Witbier brewed by Sam Adams, and the aroma from this beer doesn't make it blatantly obvious that is even a fruity beer. This isn't a bad thing. Some beers brewed with fruit have a tendency to be too sweet and can wear out a drinker, but this is well-balanced between the sweet taste of the Cranberry and the bold flavor of the beer. 

With that being said, go get the LongShots for this year. They're yummy.

Stuff like this exists and I still can't get a job

I did not find this. In fact, this is probably old news, but it's both incredibly disturbing and incredibly hilarious. 

Car dealerships need to stop doing their own commercials. 

In fact, here and now I am offering my services to any and all car dealerships that need advertising. I am offering these services for the following compensation:  I need a monthly unlimited MetroCard, a stipend for food, and the dealership is responsible for paying for production. 

I offer my services at such a steal because I care so much about the average TV-viewer having their day/afternoon/evening/night/life ruined by these absolutely atrocious pieces of crap that I am willing to work for almost nothing. 

If you're anything even remotely like me, bad advertising upsets you. I want there to be a day when the majority of ads on TV are good. A tall order, but it's doable. Especially if you don't count any and all commercials after 11:00pm and before 8:00am. 

Some More Good News

No more race problems in America.

Just kidding. Everyone still hates each other. Just not as much anymore. Progress is so wonderful.

Wish They Had This When I Was a Youngin'

Well, actually it wouldn't have mattered if they had this when I was a teen. Most of my high school career, this service would have been irrelevant. Either way, it seems like a good idea, albeit limited in its functionality, that should be continued. Would I want my kid texting some anonymous stranger about his or her sex life? No. 

But I also realize a few things:  It's hard for parents to discuss this stuff with their kids. It's hard for kids to discuss these things with their parents. Not a lot of people pay attention in health class, even in a comprehensive program where they teach safe sex practices. Kids have sex, in one form or another, sooner than parents want them to.

Take all that stuff together, and this service isn't such a bad idea. I just hope that when the time comes, when me and the future-misses have to broach this topic, we can do it effectively and answer all the questions the not-so-wee-ones in our lives will have. It will be awkward as hell, I will be nervous and anxious and terrified,  and I will probably have sleepless nights wondering how much banging my kids are doing. But what will get me through the days and nights when my kid(s) are out on dates is knowing that I gave them all of the proper knowledge and didn't hold back, and that part of the teaching and growing process is learning that all of his or her actions and decisions have consequences. 

Hopefully I'll be able to convey the cost-benefit analysis that $15 for a box of condoms is a lot less expensive than the $400 for an abortion, the countless fees for tests and proper healthcare of an STD, or the cost of raising a child.

Also, I think it's funny that the work analysis has the word anal in it, an in anal-retentive. Think about it: say the analyze as if it were hyphenated:  anal-yze...anal-ize. It makes me laugh. 

Further proof I am probably not ready to have children just yet.

Be American, Buy Whatever the Fuck You Want

I realize supporting American business is important. The few companies that still have manufacturing bases in this country deserve our support for not exporting jobs across the globe. I understand this. I'm even a fan on protectionism, in the sense that workers abroad are abused and mistreated and paid extremely poorly for their services. But I digress.

Unfortunately for those that cheerlead the "Be American, Buy American" slogan and it's variants, the truth is they are being very un-American. To be American is to seek the highest quality at the best price, regardless of who made it. Capitalism rewards the best business person, not the country where the business is located. If a Japanese company makes a better car at a better prices, then capitalism rewards that company for being better than everyone else. And that Japanese company deserves all of the splendor of these capabilities. If Americans suck at making cars, then American companies that make cars deserve to suffer. 

Do the employees deserve to suffer? No. The people on the manufacturing lines, the people answering phones, the people designing cool logos and the lower level employees don't suffer. To borrow a phrase from military speak, all of those people are collateral damage of poor decisions made by the leaders of these companies. They are victims of the bad decisions made by people who thought SUVs were the future of the automotive industry even though, since the 1970s, many an economist and scientist have been in agreement that oil and energy prices were going to skyrocket and fuel efficiency was the key selling point. They are people just like me, in a sense, a low level employee working at a level necessary for a company to run, but in no place to make any sort of decisions. They went to work, they worked hard, they did their jobs and are now unemployed facing a reality they had never contemplated in their wildest dreams. I feel for those people.

But the truth of the matter is:  America is a free market (sort of), capitalist economy. Those that conduct business in the best way survive, be they foreign or domestic. And the company that offers the best value, the best price for the quality and still turns a profit, is the company that deserves to survive, whether it is based in America or based in some foreign land. That's how capitalism works. So, to truly be American, you really should buy whatever brand of stuff you want to buy. Of course, explaining your new Honda to your neighbor that just got laid off from the Chrysler engine block manufacturing plant might be difficult. 

Wait! Who the hell am I kidding? No one can afford to buy a fucking car. 

The Dream is Being Relocated

The distant future has become the new reality. What once seemed like only a remote possibility has become an apparent inevitability. The dream of becoming a superstar copywriter (or stand up comedian, TV show writer, author, all around writing extraordinaire) is being forced to relocate from whence he came due to a lack of funds. In other words, I'm moving out of my apartment, and probably NYC, because I can't afford to live here anymore on the pittance I am given from unemployment. With savings depleted and job prospects non-existent, the time has come for me to circle the wagons, regroup and take another run at the dream from a different location. 

Dreams die hard, though. And I will continue to pursue them from my remote location outside of NYC, wherever it may end up being. Persistence can be an utter annoyance or a valuable asset. In this case, staring what at first seemed like failure in the face, persistence has helped me realize that this is a speed bump, not an insurmountable obstacle. I will overcome. I will succeed. And as terrified as I may be of success, I'll find it anyway. Because fears are only overcome when you face them. I tackled a huge fear when I went on stage on a cold (I think) February Thursday evening at a comedy club open mic in the Lower East Side and told 5-minutes worth of jokes about nothing but pornography (much to the she-grin of my girlfriend; sorry babe). 

If a nervous, anxiety-ridden dude from the second largest city in New Hampshire (I think) can come to New York City and make some people laugh while doing some jokes, I think I can handle a little setback like this. Time will tell. And unless I have some terminal illness that I am unaware of or I get hit by a bus in the near future, time is on my side. The world has only gotten a taste of the WordNerd. There will be much more to come in the near future. Especially on this blog.

I do still have a month left. So this isn't a final good-bye to my home of the last 16 months. Not yet. But the day is coming soon. And I think I'm ready to say see you later, New York. Good-byes are too final. Good-byes are too permanent. This isn't a good-bye. It's an adios-for-now, but I'll be back soon.

Unless NYC spirals into the crime-ridden cesspool of violence and destruction that wracked it during the 80s and early 90s. Then I might not be back.