New Blog

Check the new blog out @ http://writeforbeer.blogspot.com

it's cool and stuff.

Fallen Concepts

Every so often (twice now), I like to share some ideas and concepts for ads that I'm working on that have been censored or died for one reason or another. Usually they are killed off because they are offensive/too honest/completely dishonest/ludicrous/dumb/terrible. But I find it fun to sometimes examine the ones that don't make it as a way to appreciate the ones that do.

The following are lines of copy written for a client that sells ad space/time in movie theaters. Enjoy!

Advertise at the movies! It's like fishing for fish in a barrel full of fish! (Except the fish are people who want to exchange money for goods and services and you're a provider of goods and/or services)

Advertise at the movies! It's almost like you've taped their eyes open and are forcing them to watch.

Advertise @ the movies! The @ symbol makes it cool!

Advertise at the movies! 10x more annoying than advertising on TV.

Advertise at the movies! Once the doors are closed, there's no place for them to hide!

Advertise at the movies! You have no shame!

Ruin everyone's good time! Advertise at the movies!

Proud of Myself

The Running Broccoli Man is back.

Hooray!

My commercial has officially "premiered." Look out for Jimmy Football coming to you from the Tailgate Tested Laboratorium. It's where they ask the big questions.

You'll find it on ESPN, ESPN 2, ESPN NEWS & ESPN Classic (apparently).

I still haven't seen it on TV, but people at the office have. I can't find it online, but I also haven't been looking all that hard.

Not to take anything away from Jimmy Football, because he was a nice guy, but the dudes that play the tailback and psychic are pretty nifty. It was good fun hanging out with them for a day.

Catching Up on My News

This article is a few days old, but offers some cool insight into the seemingly idiotic practice of carbon dioxide capture and storage. Take the CO2 emitted and sell it to oil/natural gas drillers to help pump the fossil fuels to the surface. Right now oil and natural gas companies drill for CO2 deposits while we spend every day pumping the shit into the air. Trap it, sell it to them for dirt cheap and everybody is a fucking winner. At least for a little while.

Jay-Z Has Been Mocking Me Lately

He doesn't know it though. Let me explain.

Over the last week or so working at Old Navy in the mornings, my bosses have been putting on their own music until the store opens. It seems just about every day, Jay-Z & Alicia Keys' song Empire State of Mind comes and forces me to do nothing but romanticize my memories of living in New York City for the next 3 1/2 to 4 minutes. I then spend the following 4 to 5 hours thinking about much I miss living in the city and having a big-boy job that actually paid me enough money to live on my own.

Of course, I don't remember all of the bad stuff (what bad stuff? Oh right, the exorbitant rent, high cost of everything, awful smells, pollution, noise).

I remember the awesome people, the ability to go anywhere at any time. Being able to go out and drink and not be concerned with someone staying sober enough to drive home. The awesomeness of all of the unique stores, restaurants, bars, people and whatnot with all their various themes, ideologies, priorities and deliciousness (maybe not so much the people). The sights, the sounds (minus car horns; fucking cabbies), occasionally the smells, the city had me wrapped around its finger.

But most importantly, it felt like home. Since moving away I've come to realize that NYC was the only place (so far) that I've felt like I could just be me, without self-censorship. It's not that people in NYC are any less judgmental. Some are probably far worse than anywhere else I've lived. But there's a tolerance for the bizarre and different in the city that goes far beyond anything I've experienced anywhere else. It also helps that according to the mentality and standards in the NH/MA area, I'm a bit of an oddball. In NYC, I'm quite "normal." Or at least I don't really fit into the parameters of weird. Because there are some crazy-ass weirdos all over New York. And even if I did meet people that thought I was weird/annoying/an asshole/crude/mean/whatever, there are 7,999,999* million other people living in the city limits that I could go hang out with. So fuck that guy (or girl). I'll go chill with someone else. My options are bit more limited in Nashua, NH.

I've been back to the city a couple times since moving away. And I've noticed each time as I started to see the various apartment buildings against the empty horizon as I cross into the Bronx, I got that warm, safe feeling one gets upon returning home. I felt the cozy feeling of familiarity when I stepped off the bus and onto Seventh Avenue in Manhattan, seeing that despite my extended absence, little had changed. As I walked to the subway, fumbling in my pocket for the MetroCard, it swept over me how in a mere 18 months, this place became my new home. It gave me the feeling of comfort that I hadn't felt since my days as a youngin' returning from the week+ ventures to Pittsburgh, PA to visit family.

As romanticized as it is, I still miss it like I was born and raised there.

I downloaded the song and seem to torture myself with it every day. The hook is so catchy.

*estimated

GOP to Moderate Republicans...Get the Fuck Out

All-Knowing Overlord of the Republican Party, Rush Limbaugh, and his right-wing zealot minions are increasingly marginalizing the moderate members of their party and with them, their supporters. They keep this up, there won't be any Republican Party. Well, there will be. But it will be the type of Republican Party that would make Dick Cheney so excited he'd take his family out hunting, shoot them all in the face and then have another heart attack. No, that doesn't make all that much sense.

Honestly though, if the Super Conservative Plus wing of the GOP keeps forcing out moderates, they're going to do exactly what Diedre Scozzafava did. She was a moderate Republican running for the open seat in the House in an upstate NY district that has been Republican since 1852. She was marginalized for not being "Republican" enough, for being socially moderate. She dropped out of the race after being incredibly frustrated for being torn apart by her fellow Republicans. She then threw her support behind the Democratic candidate. GOP keeps this up, there are going to be two Republican parties and neither one is going to win a majority.

There are no ad agencies in Nashua, NH

At least, I don't think there are. I'm thinking about rectifying this situation. I don't have any money to do it, I don't have any web design skills, and I'm not all that great at graphic design. But, I still think I want to do it.

Unless of course I find a writing job somewhere cool. I think if I end up with the opportunity, I'd like to take it and try to run my own agency. No idea who my clients would be. No idea how I'd get them. No idea who I'd "hire." Doesn't matter. That's the fun of it, I suppose. That and the fact that I'm not getting poo poo'ed by anyone except my clients.

I have no idea what I'd call it. It would have to be some obscure reference to The Simpsons. Because, really, where else would I get a name?

Good-Bye Lowe NY

The first (and only) New York City ad agency I worked (interned) for will be no more. Well, sort of.

It is being merged with Deutsch, another IPG agency. If one is to believe George Parker of Adscam fame (among many other things), and usually I do, it is because the CEO, executive board and other higher-ups at IPG are a bunch of greedy morons with their heads in the sand about the direction Michael Roth is taking the holding company. Based on IPG's (and others') performance, he's probably on to something.

I worked at Lowe from June to August of 2006. They were doing poorly then, much like they had been for the few years before I worked there and pretty much ever since. They were bleeding clients and money and had cleaned out the creative department quite a few times before and since. Despite the fact that there were a lot of things going on above my pay grade (which was $0), it was a great experience. I worked on actual, real projects for actual real clients and had work produced (a microsite). I met some pretty cool people, a few of which who have become incredible friends. I really had no idea what I was doing there and just tried to keep my head down, do my work and not let anyone find out I had no idea what I was doing. Nonetheless, it was a great learning experience and part of me is sad to see it go.

The website is still up. It's an awesome page. Enjoy!

Advertising Blog Part 7: The First Cut

I saw the first cut of my ad. To be perfectly honest, it was kind of disappointing. It was funny, but I'm not sure if that's because I wrote it (well, the original version of it). It seems rushed, jam-packed, like it trips over itself because there's so much crammed into 30-seconds. Kind of like a comedian who never pauses in between punch lines to allow the audience to laugh. Maybe I'm being too critical, as is often the case. But I'm just not satisfied. What's worse, being that I am a lowly intern, I don't really have any recourse. I just have to suck it up and deal. My Creative Director isn't really happy with it either. He's merely content, but apparently satisfied enough to let it stand.

My bigger concern is that I'm going to finally have an ad on TV and I don't know if I'm proud enough of it to put it in my portfolio. I'm most likely going to anyway, because I'm an intern and I have a TV spot. But explaining why a spot I'm unsure of is in there isn't going to be an easy task when I go for that relentlessly elusive Jr. Copywriter job.

For those interested, the Ad/Co-Brand/Promo spot will run 125 times (I'm told) between 11/2 and 11/21 on ESPN, ESPN 2, ESPN Classic and ESPN News. I apologize for any annoyance suffered by those die-hard ESPN watchers. It's going to be on during Sportscenter and probably any and every football-related programming.

Is This Cool or Lame?

(I'm talking about the game, Energyville, not the landing page). I'm not sure. It did eat up about 10 minutes of my work day. I learned a couple of nifty little do-dads about energy usage and technology, both current and upcoming. But I don't feel any better about energy conglom, Chevron.

The game itself was neat. I got to name my own town, kind of like a Sim City game. It let me know the environmental, economic and security (not entirely sure what security means) of each of my choices for producing power. I got to run with a mostly green-city, because I just rock that way and I don't want my citizens dying from dirty air. But again, as a marketing tool, I really don't feel any different about Chevron. Maybe if they self-promoted a little more about what they're doing to make energy creation safer and cleaner and why I should think they are awesome, it would've worked better.

Or I could just be too picky.

Yeah, that's right. I named my town Stenchburg. If anyone can tell me what it's from, I will give you a pat on the back, maybe even a hug.

Smoking Bans Save Lives

It's all here. Forcing smokers to go outside by themselves to speed up their death clock is paying off for those of us non-smokers.

In all fairness, it's not the impending doom of lung cancer from breathing second hand smoke that concerns me. It's the fact that cigarette smoke smells fucking awful, makes me cough, sometimes causes me to have an asthma attack, and makes my clothes stinky, that really gets to me. So I always appreciate it when people are kind enough to not smoke near me.

I am very unappreciative when people walking in front of me are smoking. That makes me want to hit them, or perhaps just slap the cigarette out of their hand. But I don't. Cuz I'm a nice guy like that.

I should, though. They smell.

Holy Crap, this Website is Amazing

We Own GM. What a great idea. Don't know who is behind it, but I like it.

Found it on this sweet advertising blog, in case you're curious.

Runaways

A 6 year old Colorado boy is currently flying in an experimental homemade aircraft over the skies of eastern Colorado.

I wish I had been that capable at six.

I suppose this is dangerous because he's apparently very high up and his head might have exploded or something from a lack of pressure, but something tells me he is currently napping/peeing his pants/hungry/wondering how he's going to get down/worried about being grounded for the next week or so.

Either way, kudos to that kid for taking the initiative to do something most of us wish/dream of doing...flying.

Office Etiquette: Is it okay to poop in the handicapped stall when you're not handicapped?

I know. I ask the big questions. I take on the real brain-teasers. I try to tackle the seriously divisive issues that drive a wedge into civilization and pit friend against friend, brother against sisters, mother against cousin, and uncle against second cousin once-removed. Is it really ever okay to go #2 in the stall for differently-abled people when you are not differently abled?

Just about every time I go to the Men's Room at work, someone is dropping a deuce in the terrlet, despite the fact that the other stalls are open. Now, it is completely possible that there are a lot of differently-abled people in this building, or that there is one differently-abled person who just has to poop a lot. It is a decent sized building and I have yet to meet everyone. But what seems more likely is that regularly-abled people find the regular people stalls much too small for their pooping needs. So they opt for the roomier handicapper in lieu of the cramped quarters of the normey stall.

Personally, I don't really think that's cool. Now, it is also possible that most of the dudes who crash the digs of the jumbo stall are jumbo dudes. But still, the big stall is big because dudes in wheelchairs and other aides need the extra space for their equipment. It's not there because you can't say no to an extra handful of Betty in Logistics' delicious chocolate chip cookies and too often say no to a brisk walk on your lunch hour. Differently abled people don't choose to be differently abled and need the big stall.

Of course, this point is moot if all of the other stalls are taken and the only one open is the handicapped stall. No one expects you to hold your poop in case someone happens to roll in with a wheeled chair. But when the smaller stalls are open, be kind to someone else's behind and take your seat upon the porcelin throne in the smaller rectangle. It's just plain nice.

What does this all mean in the grand scheme of things? Will your small gesture of consideration go a long way in someone else's day? Maybe. But what it really means is that I'm kind of bored.

Your Kid's Teacher Hates Your Kids

How's that for an inflammatory title?

Seriously, though. It takes a special type of person to be a teacher. Some people can't do it. Others can. (I probably can't). People that can't do their job should be fired, not sheltered. Teaching is a hard job. I have the utmost respect for teachers. But just like any other job, when you suck at it, you should be let go. It's just how it is.

Advertising Blog Part 6

This week, I go to Canton, MA (woohoo), for my one-day shoot of the commercial I wrote (with my Creative Director). I get to wake up at the ass-crack of dawn to take the drive to advertising glory! My very first shoot! My very first ad (that will run on TV)! And I get to be there to see my work come to fruition as a PA, schlepping shit and getting coffee. Being an intern is glorious!

Still, I am excited. In about a month I'll be watching TV and my commercial/promo will come on and it will be exciting. Guess it just hasn't hit me yet.

We Are Concerned About Paying for Healthcare...

It wouldn't be an issue if we weren't paying for this.

It makes you question the basic decencies of our government, and really humanity in general, when almost $1 trillion has been spent (and probably more so will be spent) to kill people, but we can't chalk up a similar amount to save people's lives.

The total cost goes up more in seven seconds than I made (when I had a full-time job) in an entire year, before taxes.

Also note the disparity in spending. Afghanistan was the actual threat to US security, Iraq the fictitious one. I'd say this ranks third in last two decades of complete and utter debacles by the US government. First and second would have to be the Great Recession and failures in reforming healthcare/creating a public option. I'll leave ranking those to you.

In the Words of George Parker...

...taking the piss out of GM, WPP and all the other d-bags.

News last week of the death of Saturn. It is sad. Saturn was a fairly cool brand, at least when it comes to car brands. It was unpretentious. It was happy-go-lucky. And while all of those ads of losers going out to the middle of nowhere or to the factories or wherever they went to celebrate the fact that they owned Saturns were annoying, Saturn was still a nifty brand. It just never spoke to me. It was a beacon of hope for GM.

Now it's dead. Penske terminated the deal to buy the brand. Instead, we get to keep Buick and Chevy, Lincoln and Cadillac. When was the last time anyone felt fucking cool cruising in a Buick? When did Lincoln give you a happy-go-lucky, light and airy feel?

Right.

Senate Finance Committee doesn't care about black people, white people, brown people, and any other one of the 47 million uninsured.

Senate Finance Committee votes 15-8 to nix the Public Option from their Healthcare Bill.

What the fuck planet do these assbag MaGillicutties fucking live on? 47 million people are one accident, one unfortunate happenstance away from complete financial ruin, if they haven't already found themselves in that situation already. By eliminating a viable, affordable public option to compete with the insanely expensive private options, those 15 Senators are basically telling 47 million Americans to go fuck themselves. Congress is telling those 47 million Americans that their livelihood and health, their life and futures are not worth protecting.

15 Congressmen told 47 million Americans, today, that their lives are not important, and protecting those lives is not worth the cost. I am one of those 47 million people. I don't like being told my health and livelihood are not important and are not enough of a concern to find a way to pay for my medical care costs.

15 Congressmen: Go fuck yourselves. How fast would you vote differently if your child couldn't afford coverage? Probably about as quickly as you would if your child actually had to fight in the war you voted for.

Be ashamed.

Hooray!

With this news, I'll have to pretend that I don't work for Gap Brand companies. Lord knows that the CP+B dudes will dream up some knock off of their own creation....perhaps a the Gap Queen or the Clothing Republic of Bananas, fleshed out entirely with a whole bunch of d-bag looking ass hats in giant banana costumes with the Gap logo smacked onto the end of the ad. Fucking Woot.

PS

I admittedly didn't actually read this article. I just read the headline and became displeased.

Advertising Blog Part 5

Update:

No matter which script the client decides to use for the branding spot that will run in November, it will be mine. MINE! ALL MINE!

Unless they pick the one that was re-written by my creative director. Then it will be ours.

Or if they decide to scrap both of them and start from scratch. Then it will be no one's.

Here's to hoping I get to go on the shoot.

Good Read by NY Times Columnist Friedman

Take that, Congressional Losers!

This Is As Far As It Should Go.

Advertising Blog Part 4 (?)

Yeah. Dustin' off a classic. Or just updating a running theme that has been lagging.

I have an internship. Two days a week at an entertainment-marketing-ey-type advertising agency in Needham, MA (outside of Boston). It's a nifty place. Quiet. Small. Friendly. Mostly calm. Lots of cool people. Oh, and we get free bagels on Friday. One free bagel Friday and I'm hooked. Where can I sign a contract to work here?

After my first two days spent going from 0 to 120 while trying to remember how I used to sit in front of a computer for eight hours a day and trying not to spend all my time playing fetch with my boss' dog Auggie, I managed to pump out seven somewhat decent TV scripts that I presented to one of my other bosses. He picked four and had me re-write them. I re-wrote them. He picked two that are getting sent to the client. Two days. Two scripts. I may have an ad running throughout the month on November, most likely ad nauseum, during just about every televised football game on ESPN. Probably during Sportscenter and any football-related show on ESPN. I try to not watch ESPN, but if my script gets picked, I may be tuning in until I get annoyed by my own ad.

I find out this week if it was picked. There will be much dancing to be done if one of them is picked. Celebrations for all!

Clearance Rackers

There's nothing inherently wrong with shopping off the clearance racks. It makes perfect sense to save money. I like saving money. I'm pretty sure most people, except for the extremely rich who like to show off how much they don't need to save money, like to save money. I encourage all to shop off of the clearance rack.

But what one must realize is that the things on the clearance rack are on clearance for a reason. The store either got too many of them (usually XL or XXL or XXXXL) or the item is hideously ugly and only hipsters and fashionistas would be able to do anything with it. So, when you find something you like in your size, it is quite the miracle. Understood.

What is not understood by the many of us that work in retail is why the Clearance Rackers feel the need to interrupt us from whatever task we are doing to help you find your size. You know who you are: You see us diligently unpacking new shipment or constructing/deconstructing an entire display and deem your search for the skanky tube top in your color and your size far more important. You could save $3.00!

You coyly bring up said tube top and ask, "Do you have this in my size?" The only reason you are listened to is because at this point, we don't know it is clearance. We agree to check the computer, walking to the register all the while thinking of what lie we can tell you when the computer shows we have 10 of them because we know, WE KNOW you are going to ask us to help you find it. And of course, we're not allowed to say no. The computer says we have four of them (even worse), and we walk back fighting the temptation to slap you in the face. We get back, forcing a smile through our frustration, look you in the eye and lie to your face. Because we know that you'll go back and look anyway. You were just hoping that we'd have to do all the looking for you.

Yes, Clearance Rackers, we do want to kick you in the shins when you ask us to find a size in clearance because you're too lazy to look. The smile beaming from our face is fake. We hate you.

Profiling

Nod, not the fun racial kind (kidding). Now that I spend more time at work (retail clothing store) than I do at home and make less money than if I just stayed at home and clicked the mouse a few times, I've decided that I'm going to start profiling some of the wonderful people I encounter. Today, the "Fitting Room" people.

Fitting Room people tend to have a huge stack of clothes they need to try on. They seem to be moving around frantically and always in a rush, as if pressed for time, despite the fact that they have been in the store already for an hour and a half. This hurried behavior leads them to ask questions whose answers are clearly marked on signage all throughout the store. However, they have earned the title of "Fitting Room" people, because when I am standing mere feet in front of a gigantic glowing sign with the words "Fitting Rooms" and an arrow pointing in the direction of said fitting rooms hanging from the ceiling, they approach me and quickly ask, "Excuse me. Where are the fitting rooms?"

Not being allowed to just turn around and look at the sign; then look back at the person; then look back at the sign; then look back at the person; then shake my head and continue what I was doing, I reluctantly say, "Down there and to the left."

If this is you, it's not your imagination that the people who work at your local *insert chain retail store* seem condescending. They do in fact think you are an idiot.

Next Post: "Clearance Rackers"

There Truly Are Some Morons in Congress

A Congressman in South Carolina (where else) is stating that the Healthcare overhaul has nothing to do with healthcare and everything to do with control, fueling ideas that the new reform will allow the government unabridged access to everyone's bank accounts (they already have that). Also, he claims that the new reform will cover illegal immigrants, which it won't.

He also seems to be a bit of a narcissistic douchebag. Kind of like the current governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford, who still refuses to resign after having his extramarital affair with a woman from Argentina who is his "soul mate." Perhaps they're related.

It's Purely Political! Why Else Would Someone Investigate Criminal Activities?!

Great story about what Cheney thinks of the Justice Department investigating the torture-tactics of the CIA.

This is very relevant to me because I'm reading Jane Mayer's The Dark Side, all about how the Bush Administration knew EXACTLY what was going on, and in fact specifically outlined what was and wasn't okay for interrogations in the CIA prisons, Guantanamo and the military prisons abroad. It's also important to you because all of this was done in your name for your protection. Except that independent and military studies have shown that only about 8% of detainees at Guantanamo actually had anything to do with any sort of terrorism; that a a massive majority of the prisoners "captured" in Afghanistan were actually random people captured by Pakistani and tribesmen and turned over to the US Military in exchange for a bounty.

So yeah, thanks Cheney.

More on Deficits

A quick question:

When in the history of the US have future generations ever had to pay for the debts of the generations past?

That's what I thought. Keep your pants on, Republicans. We're not in as much trouble as you think.

When He Wants to Spend Money, It'll Put Our Country on the Path to Bankruptcy

...but when the guy in charge wants to spend money on one pointless war (estimated costs exceeding $3 billion) and passes tax cuts for the super wealthy that take us from a $300 billion plus* surplus to a $1.3 trillion deficit (and counting) in about four years, nare a Republican could be found to vote against these measures. But when a Democrat-guy in charge wants to fix the economy the previous guy completely destroyed by spending money and wants to fix a devastatingly expensive healthcare system that is part of the reason we are in such a financial abyss, he's going to send us to the poorhouse and ruin the country, says the same Republican Congressmen and talking-heads. This is the bullshit I hate about two-party politics. The guy in my party didn't come up with it, so even if it's an amazing idea, it's wrong and evil and bad and everyone should hate it and not go along with it.

Grow up. This country ended up in a tailspin because of your ass-backwards politics. Open up your mind a bit and cooperate a little.

Well This is Incredibly Disturbing

All of the "enhanced techniques" (torture) was well-documented to determine the breaking points physically and psychologically. Not only that, but the guidelines were extremely direct and precise; written and controlled closely by the White House and the CIA. This will no doubt go down in the history of not only this country, but of the world as perhaps the lowest point in human rights history for the United States. The Bush Administration violated everything the Founding Fathers believed was important to the principles of this country; in some ways, one of the reasons they broke away from England to form the United States of America. It is well-documented that up until the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan*, regardless of how the US's adversaries treated their POWs, the US has ALWAYS systematically treated those captured during combat with humanity (minus the few rogue cases of overzealous ass-bags with no self-control). During the Revolutionary War, Washington demanded that all of the British POWs be treated humanely, despite the fact that the British tortued and executed American POWs. We've been following the Geneva Conventions before there WERE Geneva Conventions. The Bush Administration threw that all away and gave the US a black eye. Actually, it's worse than a black eye. Black eyes go away. This was more like a massive gaping scar that will never look the same. Thanks, d-bags.

*Renditions (sending suspects to third-party countries to be "interrogated") began before the Bush Presidency. Clinton started the program (I think). We were supposed to get signed documents stating that said third-party countries promised they wouldn't torture. But the US rarely asked for them and even if they got them, they didn't care if they were followed. The thing is, Clinton didn't use this program all that much. Bush took minor exceptions to the rule and turned it into a systematic, regular practice. Scary. I also didn't count the countless number of ruthless dictators and sadists whose governments the US helped prop up during the Cold War (see Nicaguan, El Salvadoran, Panamanian, Chilean etc. history texts). We didn't do a whole lot to protect human rights in those instances either.

Of course, this all can be made moot when we consider all of the genocidal and mass murdering atrocities the US failed to intervene in, unless it was in our interest. Which leaves an icky black mark on our credential record in terms of the value we place on human rights. Then again, its not like any other country does much more than we do to fix human rights atrocities around the world. But we are the leader (a much weaker one thanks to the aforementioned Administration). But no President or member of Congress is free from criticism for their inactivity in trying to aid those being slaughtered abroad (Rwanda, Sudan, Myanmar, Uzbekistan, etc.) Some try, but as a nation, we tend to fall short all of the time. It's built into our principles (somewhat) in the sense that we are a capitalist democracy and we are responsible for our own destinies. Except that a decent portion of the rest of the world doesn't function on that system, or even on that level of faith and trust in the system. Most people can't trust the system because every system turns out to be corrupt. We've been experiencing that a lot lately (see Blagojevich, the entire state government of New Jersey and New York, the Bush Administration, former Governors Sanford and Spitzer, former Representative Hastert, etc.). So maybe none of us should be surprised that we got the point we did during the Bush Administration.

I'm surprised.

Karmic Realignment Hits Fox News

Advertisers pull away from Fox News over Glenn Beck's moronic ramblings and other Fox News idiocy. Bout time.

Lieberman Reminds Everyone He's Still a Douche Bag

Pipe down, Gramps. Those of us without healthcare need this. Shut your pie hole, you traitor.

High Fructose Corn Syrup Will Steal All Your Money, Beat Up Your Grandma and Eat Your Children

No it won't. High Fructose Corn Syrup, in and of itself, is really no worse than sugar. So when the Corn Refiners Association (lobbying trade association) releases cheesy, piss-poor and somewhat misleading ads touting how no one should worry about consuming High Fructose Corn Syrup, they aren't entirely lying to your face. Much like the ad states, in moderation, High Fructose Corn Syrup is okey-dokey, just like sugar.

The misleading part of these ads, or at least the part the Corn Refiners Association isn't upfront about (why would they be? they make money when they're product gets used as ingredients), is that High Fructose Corn Syrup is in FUCKING EVERYTHING. It is in salad dressings, condiments, juices, ready-to-drink teas, sodas, snack crackers, cookies, cakes...the list goes on. High Fructose Corn Syrup is even in Saltines. Fucking Saltines. Why is there any kind of sweetener in a product that doesn't taste like anything? It's unleavened bread for fuck's sake. Unless you actively seek out products that don't have High Fructose Corn Syrup in them to consume, or all you eat and drink are fresh fruit, vegetables and water, it is damn near impossible to NOT consume too much High Fructose Corn Syrup. When almost everything you eat has some kind of Corn Syrup in it, you can't have it in moderation. And thus my problem with these ads.

So go on world, keep cutting High Fructose Corn Syrup out of your diet. Make food producers change their ingredients and get it out of the food and beverages we buy. We need that corn syrup for ethanol, apparently.

10 Reasons to Grow a Beard

Thanks to Andrew for sending this my way.

Fraud and Religion

It boggles the mind that people still fall for this crap. Of course, maybe it shouldn't. If Family Guy can be used as any sort of barometer for the laziness and "quick-fix" mentality of human beings, then this isn't surprising at all. Peter was able to start a Church of the Fonz. Great satire.

Still though, for a bunch of scheister frauds to go around milking money from people already struggling to make ends meet by telling them that the more money they give, the finer they will be treated once they get into Heaven, makes me want to vomit in anger. Then again, if you can be so easily convinced that such things are true, perhaps you deserve to have some family of cons rob you blind while you smile and thank them for all their help saving your soul.

Come to think of it: I have been out of work for 6 months and could use a serious cash infusion into my savings account. Perhaps the First Congregational Church of Awesome McSweed for the Holy Savior is not far from fruition.

Take That!

Skewering Newt and Palin, the new Republican dynamos!

Giving It To You Straight

Obama talks about healthcare. Greg reads.

Healthcare Reform

Some good reads on the healthcare issue and the horribly inaccurate manipulations going on in the debate.

Free Healthcare

I'm going to go out on a limb and say we probably need healthcare reform.

Palin Proving She Really is Just a Common Simpleton...Lazy and Ignorant

Sarah Palin, self-elected voice of the Lazy and Ignorant American Movement (also known as LIAM), has once again shown why she deserves to maintain this post as she continues to argue that the non-existent "death-panels" that were a part of one of the House bills for healthcare reform need to be removed from the bill because making people consult with their physician about possible end-of-life procedures really means that we will willingly and forcefully exterminate the elderly.

Except that the House already removed the VOLUNTARY incentives for primary care physicians to discuss end-of-life procedures with their patients before said patients get to the end-of-life stages. And also, no is is going to kill your grandma because she keeps running up Medicaid's bills. So yeah, no death panels. No extermination of the elderly. Although I think that there should be something in the reform bill about tougher restrictions on elderly driving. I saw an old lady trying to drive up the off-ramp of I-495 in Massachusetts the other day in a futile attempt to get on the highway.

Health Care Waste

An interesting read on where the fat can be trimmed to cut down wasteful spending in the healthcare system in America.

Here is your assignment, Congress. Go nuts.

Good Read

I voted for change. It's only been six months, but it seems to be that we're not on much of a path to shake the tree.

Israeli Apartheid

Sad state of affairs. This has been going on since 1948 and it needs to stop.

Fact-Checking the Health Care Plans

A must-read for every single person of voting age. And even those who don't vote.

How I Know the Stimulus Package Isn't a Total Wash

In one week, the money set aside for "Cash for Clunkers" is gone. So many people turned in their old vehicles with poor gas mileage in exchange for a credit of up to $4500 toward a new car that in one week, we went through the $1 billion set aside for the program. In other words, the government spent $1 billion dollars in one week to get, at the least, 2,222,222 inefficient vehicles, off the road. And that's if every single one of those car owners received the full $4500. So not only were over 2 million new cars purchased, but they were cars far more fuel efficient than the ones being driven.

Sounds like a program that actually worked. In fact, it worked too well. The government, from what I've heard but have no read, has approved another $1 to 2 billion for the program because it worked so well. I hope to take advantage of this program. Dude needs a new set of wheels.

Interesting Read

I'm not really sure if I want Joe Klein to be right or wrong. What I do know is that it tends to suck when you have to go for extended, undetermined periods of time without health insurance, which I am currently doing along with 49,999,999 other people in this country. It may not be something I consciously worry about every day, but when the thought crosses my mind that if I were in a car accident, hit by a bus, or even just fell and broke an arm or a leg, I'd be stuck with a medical bill I would spend the next 5 years paying off. It's a sad state of affairs when people who know I don't have insurance see that I still keep my old insurance card in my pocket.

"I carry it around," I explain, "so that if I ever end up in the emergency room and they check to see if I have an insurance card, they'll find one and do whatever is necessary to save my life. I figure by the time they get around to running the numbers to check if I actually have insurance, I'll have already received the care I need."

Scummy thing to do? Yes, I suppose. But so is leaving 50 million living, breathing human beings with no way to reasonably pay for medicine and healthcare needed to survive. Seems to me that I'm just doing my part to put the screws to a system that does nothing but screw me.

I Wish This Guy Would Do More of These

Hilarious.

Good Stuff

This is depressingly accurate.

Immigration & Deportation Oh My!

Immigration is a touchy subject. We are a nation of immigrants, both legal and illegal. Many of the illegal immigrants do jobs "we" would never do for wages "we" would never accept. (As a side note, depending on what one of those jobs actually was, this member of the collective "we" would consider doing it, especially if it were under the table). They get treated like animals by those that employ them and typically work in inhumane conditions. Not always, but sometimes. The thing is, this country has always functioned on the labor of legal and illegal immigrants (and in the not-so pleasant says, the labor of slaves, who were kind of like forced immigrants rather than voluntary immigrants, or something like that).

The program they're talking about in the article, sending illegals who are arrested back to their countries of origin, even for minor offenses, really isn't all that unfair. In fact, its not unfair at all. I sympathize with the situation. You're an illegal who can't get a driver's license, so you drive to work without one. Then you get pulled over for speeding or running a stop sign and when you have no ID, they arrest you, fingerprint you, and when your fingerprints come back as those matching the prints of an illegal alien, they deport you. That sucks. It's tough luck. But there's an easy way to avoid that situation. Don't speed and run stop signs.

I'll be the first to admit, mistakes get made. I got busted for blowing a stop sign once that I didn't even know was there and got a ticket for it. That shit is going to happen. And when it does, you have to deal with the consequences. If you happen to be an illegal immigrant, the consequences might be that you get deported. It sucks, but that's life. The decisions we make have consequences.

So in all honesty, this program really doesn't upset me. If you're in this country illegally and breaking the law, even if it something like possession of a marijuana cigarette or speeding, then deportation isn't unjustifiable. With underfunded education and welfare systems and overcrowded prisons, it makes a lot more sense to kick illegal foreign nationals out of the country when they get arrested for doing illegal things.

If You've Seen Any of the Terminator Movies (or Matrix, I suppose) This Should Concern You.

It scares the crap out of me. I just hope I'm long-dead before this happens. With the pace of technological advancement and AI, I have a feeling it will happen in my lifetime and I will be forced to fight in at least one war against a race of machines. Call me crazy, but when you have relatives that work on machines that do these kinds of things, and they talk about how much it freaks THEM out, you start to wonder if James Cameron was on to something with Terminator and Terminator 2. I don't know who directed the other two, or who wrote any of them. What I do know is that I don't want to be involved in any sort of showdown with a cybernetic Governator.

The Non-Issue that is Still an Issue

The latest poll numbers I've seen show that, in one form or another, somewhere around 80-90% of all Americans want universal healthcare. As someone who has spent significant time without health insurance and has had to fork over hundreds of dollars for routine check-ups, tests and exams, I am one of those 80-90%, although no one has asked my opinion. In fact, I almost voted for Hillary based on her position regarding universal healthcare and her history with the issue. It's something this country wants and needs.

The thing is, with the kind of support this issue seems to have, how is it still an issue? With 80-90% of people saying that universal healthcare is something this country needs, why are there so many elected officials against it? With these numbers, that means even Republican voters are aching for a public healthcare option (or whoever conducted these polls has no idea what "random selection" means).

So why are so many Republicans in Congress against it? Why are they trying so vehemently to kill the plan? Probably because they want free-loading, jobless losers like me to hoist myself up by my boot straps and magically make money appear to pay for my own medical care. That way the government can take taxes out of my income to pay for all of the members of Congress' healthcare. I mean, who am I to think that they should share their sweet medical coverage with the rest of the country. I'm just some unemployed deadbeat who can't find work in the worst economy since the Great Depression. That doesn't mean I shouldn't have to pay for my own insurance. This ain't no sissy-pants socialist democracy like them fags got in Euro-land. This is America. Americans pay for their own shit. Except when they are famous and don't pay for their own funerals. Or are in government and don't pay for their own: homes, cars, construction on homes, flights around the country, taxis, limos, vacations, gold outings, suits, second homes and any other sort of kick back they can get out of lobbyists and corporations or they can expense to the government, which I'm paying for with taxes.

God forbid I might want some medical coverage in return when I lose my job because the same Congressional members "forgot" to regulate the financial world. Boy, what a selfish prick I am.

New Stuff

New work up on my interim portfolio website.

One of these days when I have money again I'll have a real, big-boy website.

Planning on submitting this and other work next week for an internship in Boston (that hopefully pays). Wish me luck. I will most likely need it.

Also wish me luck because I'm going to start advertising in the classifieds and any other place I can think of as a freelance copywriter for local businesses. And I'm going to try to pitch a trivia night idea to my favoritest bar in all of Nashua, Penuche's, to try ti pick up business there on nights like last night, where it was my brother, myself and 4 guys playing darts in the entire place. It was a depressing sight for my favorite watering hole, made worse by the fact that I was DD and have no money to spend on anything at all.

That being the case, want to hire me to write some shit for you?

Or clean out your gutters?

Or mow your lawn?

I Just Find This Funny

The government will pay for famous people's funerals, let them go free when they drunkenly mow someone down with their car and kill them (see:  Donte Stallworth), acquit them of accidently shooting an unarmed limo driver (see:  Jason Williams), give them a slap on the wrist for running over someone while driving drunk (see:  Lindsay Lohan, Halle Berry), or just plain ol' let em get away with murder (see:  OJ Simpson) and producing/participating in child pornography and statutory rape (see:  R. Kelly). 

But if you're some broke schmoe who gets hit by a city bus while crossing the street, your poor relatives, family members and friends are stuck with footing the bill for your funeral and services. They get to go broke paying for casket or urn, for the cremation, for the wake and the funeral home and all of that bullshit. But if you're the King of Pop, the City of Los Angeles will put up $1.4 MILLION for your memorial service. Michael Jackson dies, taxpayers get boned.

The Most Boring Three Days of the (Sports) Year

The time has come once again for the most boring three days of the sports year, when absolutely none of the four major sports are being played and I have nothing to watch on TV at night except reruns of Law & Order and whatever happens to be on Comedy Central. The time where I actually might be forced to interact with family members and go outside into the mosquito-infested wild known as the front porch. Many a baseball fan salivates over the Mid-Summer Classic, the Home Run Derby, the Futures Game. I could care less. Because none of it means anything. I can read the headlines of tomorrow's paper who won the Derby. And if I really missed a shocking moment, I'll be able to watch it about 7 or 8 more times this week when ESPN re-airs with far fewer commercials. And the game...a snooze-fest just like every other all-star game. Sure, home-field advantage is decided during the All-Star Game, but that is in no way compelling enough a reason for me to watch, especially since I am a Pirates fan. My team hasn't had a shot since 1993, and hasn't been to the World Series since I've been alive. It's not like this game will decide where the Pirates will be playing in October (nowhere). So thus, I will be forced to do other things over the next three days. Like write blogs, have a beer or two and read books or something.

PetSmart a pain in the balls

Aside from them making me take a 34-page personality test online and waste 45 minutes of my day, I had to bust out the prehistoric 20-lb laptop I own that barely runs to apply online because their application only works with Internet Explorer and Netscape.

What the fuck, Charles? There are people that might want to apply to work at your store, myself included (please hire me), that are on a Mac. Get a third-party web team that knows their shit and make it Mozilla and Safari compatible. 

Bush Administration Watched You Take a #2

Well, maybe they did. It wouldn't surprise me if they did. They listened and/or watched people do everything else, why not watch people use the lavratory facilities? Lots of things go down in bathrooms:  mob hits, drug deals, an insane number of porno scenes, apparently. Which makes me wonder:  if art imitates life, and a lot of porno movies have public bathroom sex scenes, doesn't that mean that just about every time I walk into a public bathroom, two or more people should be doing it? Of course, then you get into the question of whether one considers porno to be an art form. I do not. There is very little that can be artistic about a guy banging some girl in the butt while she calls him "daddy." But that's my opinion.

Back to the original topic here:  Bush's domestic spying bullshit went way beyond wiretaps. This is bad. And it seems no one know how much useful information was gathered illegally this way, but the government is keeping all of it, regardless of whether it is actually useful. According to the CIA, FBI, and other intelligence and security agencies, information gathered from more traditional methods was far more specific and accurate (see article linked above). Which begs the question, why is the government still doing all of these warrantless surveillance? Awesome.

First Person Shooter Disease. It's a Serious Problem

Thanks for this, Andrew.

Funny stuff. Check it out.

We Are Country Mice EP!

I am counting down the days until I get mine in the mail. We Are Country Mice is putting out an EP later this month and I plan on spinning that in my CD player until the thing is so worn and scratched that it won't play anymore. If you hang out with me any time after it shows up in my mail box, you will be forced to listen to it. And then I'll badger you until you buy one for yourself! Because this band is fucking awesome!

Sadness consumers me every time I think that I won't be able to see them play live for a while. But then I get excited again when I think I'll be able to blast them all around Nashua in a few weeks. And when someone asks me who that awesome band is playing in my stereo, I'll say "It's fucking Country Mice!"

I'm a PC and I love Pornography

Came across these two weeks ago but didn't think to share them until now. They are childish and immature, yes. But they are also hilarious and necessary. This campaign sucks and I'm glad someone had the good sense to skewer it with a couple awesome parodies. Check them out below.

Jake

Jennie

And while you're at it, check out Vinnie Jones' new work out tape.

Thanks to the GF and Andrew for finding these.

Life in the Fast Lane (of NH)

Having been home a full week now, I'm realizing there are things I need to reacquaint myself with. For example, I'm not used to having so much space to roam around while inside. It's amazing how quickly and seemingly uninterrupted the process of going from full-size house in the suburbs to small NYC apartment can go. I have all this space now. It's a good thing. Just different.

I'm also not used to this "drive-to-go-get-things" business they have going on here. It was a pain in the ass sometimes, but I still kind of liked walking to get groceries/food/to the subway/bar/restaurant/cafe/wherever. It meant I was outside. It meant I was moving. It meant I was burning calories. It meant I wasn't polluting (except for the occasional gaseous release). Relying on a car, especially when you don't have one, is far more inconvenient than waiting for a subway or bus. Sure, waiting sucks. But having to coordinate trips to apply for jobs or to see your girlfriend around your mom's work schedule causes a few more headaches than showing up late for work because you were sitting on the Queens side of the Queensboro Subway Tunnel for 5 minutes because the Dispatcher said so.

There seem to be these things called insects that fly around and do stuff in NH. I don't recall having to constantly swat flies in NYC unless I was near a pile of garbage or a particularly stinky bum on a particularly hot day. And even then, the flies stuck to the garbage. I smelled way too good for them to leave the trash heap. Here, bugs aren't so discriminating. They like to land on your head and face and eyes and ears and occasionally fly in your mouth while you're talking so that you have to stop, choke, cough and spit in a futile attempt to keep from swallowing a live bug. It's not that your body can't handle it, but that fly was probably on a garbage heap not too long ago. Gross.

There are a few things I am enjoying, though. Easy access to the beach. Home-cooking. A porch where I can read and enjoy a frosty brew. Air that doesn't smell like exhaust and sewage. Being near my girlfriend. The nice, gentle breeze that whisks its way through the open windows in the house. Getting to hang out with my mom and dad, which will get old, I'm sure. But for now, it's nice. They're supportive and understanding. They don't give me shit for not having a job. 

Hopefully I will strike a balance that can be maintained for a little while. I miss NYC. And with any decision like this, there's second guessing (especially since I can't find too many comedy venues around here). This stuff takes time. And can get impatient. Hopefully that won't become a recipe for disaster.

Apologies to the Reader(s)

My life has been a bit hectic, but normalcy may be returning soon. Which means more posts on a much more consistent basis. I hope that excites you.

For the time being, enjoy this piece. I sure did.

Farewell, New York.

Alas, it is true. This time next week I will be back in the unbridled and uncivilized north east form whence I came from. I'm trading in the concrete jungle for the jungle of less concrete and more Red Sox fans. I'm dispending of the Nuw Yuohrk dialect for the harsh sounds of the Bahstahn pronunciations. My destination will hopefully have greener pastures. It definitely has cheaper rent.

Times like these cause me to stereotypically reflect on the many things I will be sacrificing by departing the City of New York. To milk the cliche, I will tell you about them.

I will be leaving behind fare hikes and hobos; hipsters and friends; a decent, albeit dirty and smelly subway system; and the many thousands of feet of concrete I have walked. I leave behind bars with themes and gimmicks, museums and art galleries unexplored, holes in the wall, dives and diners unexperienced. There are many a-tap dispensing many a-beer I have not yet sampled that will go unappreciated by my taste buds. There are monuments and statues and parks and ponds that, at least with this go-around, I won't get to see.

With all the things I'm leaving behind, there are even more that I can easily say I am lucky to take with me. The appreciation of fresh, unscented air being included on that list.

So much has happened over the last 18 months that has led to some kind of personal growth. New York City played host to more than I could imagine might happen in one place. I've been hired for my first real-world, professional job. And laid off a week before my one-year anniversary due to a painfully bad economy. New York City has seen me grace the sage of a comedy club for numerous open mics and three actual, real shows. For a guy with debilitating stage fright, awkward nervousness and performance anxiety, it was quite a feat. I've met some special people (not the differently-abled kind) who have become close friends and seen others who were close fade into the horizon. Those special people have been there for me during the most difficult times and celebrated with me during the good times. I've been able to experience some of the best that New York has to offer and I was able to do so with the most special of all people, my girlfriend. I've been kicked out of an apartment for not doing my dishes immediately after I used them and managed to find a new apartment and move within a week. In that apartment, I learned more about gay people, terminology and culture from one of the best, if not the best, roommate I've ever had. I've been witness to a great friend of mine take a tiny little dream and turn it into a blossoming reality; and I've enjoyed the amazing music that has come out of it. For 18 months, I made it in the most expensive and, depending on who is opining, one of the toughest places to get by in the US. And the only reason I'm saying farewell is because the last one hired is the first one fired (laid off doesn't rhyme).

My girlfriend was worried that I would be resentful to leave New York City because my dreams of making it here were ruined. I may not have done everything I had planned to do while I was here (mainly get a job in advertising), but to look back on all of the things I've done, experienced, survived, seen, heard, felt, it's difficult to feel like I haven't experienced enough. It's difficult to say that New York hasn't given me enough of what it has to offer for me to be resentful; for me to feel like I didn't have enough time here. We always wish for more time. We always wish we had done things we didn't get a chance to do. We always look back and wonder what might have been if things were done differently. I know I have. But I don't believe that I will look back and say that I didn't get enough. New York has taken more than it's fair share out of me. But if I truly felt like I was getting hosed, I would've left long ago.

This is my adieu, New York City. I'm sure I will miss you much more than you will miss me. I'm sure at some point I will be back. I am fairly young and dreams have a hard time of dying on my watch. That and they have these nifty bus thingies that run between New York and Boston that only cost like, $15, $20. I'm sure it won't be too much of a hassle to visit.

Tentative Portfolio Website

Until I can either learn how to do it myself or find someone awesome enough to do it for me, this will be my tentative portfolio website.

If you are an advertising person with the power to hire cool dudes like me, check it out.

Or if you're not, check it out anyway. 

Clicking here makes thingies do stuff.

No Beer

Due to the prevailing economic downturn and its affect on my employment, there will be no more beer of the week posts. Not that there ever were to begin with. But I can't afford it. So TS if you were looking forward to that. 

If you want advice on beer, just comment or e-mail me or something. I'm pretty sure the only people who read this already know me anyway.

I have gotten lazy

...or busy.

Either way it's been two weeks since I've graced the world wide web with my thoughts and anecdotes.

In that time I've wowed the likes of, well, about 30 people at a comedy club. I had two more shows recently. One went better than it could have. I got blindsided by a no-show of fans (and by fans, I mean very generous and supportive friends) and was relegated to the last spot of the night and a mere 3 minutes on stage. With those three minutes, I made the only four people left in the club laugh a couple of times. I consider it a success.

Then the big show! Friday night! Headlining! (Only because all of my generous and supportive friends showed up late or did not show at all and I had to be bailed out by some good-natured friends from college who I hadn't seen in forever). For 8 minutes (well, about 7 minutes and 15 seconds....my first joke did not go over well) I had 'em laughing. It was a rush I tells ya. Or a moderate increase in good feelings. Or somewhere between the two.

To add to awesomeness of having a show go incredibly well (some might argue [that some being me] it was my best show yet!), I got to stand in a nifty sports bar and watch the Pittsburgh Penguins pants the Red Wings in Game 7 of the Stanley Cup! Hoorah!

And to top it all off, my good mate from Trinidad was visiting that weekend. We shared drinks and laughs and good times and if it didn't sounds so gay, I'd say it was magical. (Sounds really gay).

Now the real world is smacking me in the face again and I must work harder than I ever worked when I had a job. Awesome.

Triple-Hops Brewed Really Means Nothing.

There's a funny thing about the Miller Lite commercials that talk about adding hops three times during the brewing process.

I've been reading up on home brewing. Just about every single brewer adds hops at least three times, if not more. You add the first batch to bitter the beer, the second and third to flavor and create a distinct aroma for the beer. It's pretty much standard practice to do this. So...Miller Lite, you're not doing anything special and your beer is nothing special.

In fact, it's awful.

Kudos to them for playing on everyone's ignorance/lack of knowledge about the brewing process to sell their product, though. That's rather cunning.

Camouflage

I thought it might be good to give all of the wonderful future-fans of my stand up comedy a sampling of the jokes I DON'T use so that you can get a taste of the stuff that isn't good enough to make it into my set:

I am weary of all those who wear camouflage and are not on some kind of battlefield. If you're not engaged in some sort of combat or combat-like exercises or playing an extremely intense game of hide and seek, there is no reason for camouflage. It's not a fashion statement. You look like you're lost.

I Have Two Shows This Week!!!

I have two comedic performances this week! That's 200% more than I had last week. Your attendance is requested and will be greatly appreciated.

The first show is Wednesday, June 10th at New York Comedy Club (241 East 24th Street near 2nd Ave). The show starts at 9pm, and if it goes like it did last time, I will be on sometime between 10 and 10:30pm. There is a $10 cover (boo!) and a 2 drink minimum (also boo!).

The second show is Friday, June 12th at EastVille Comedy Club (85 East 4th Street near 2nd Ave). The show starts at 7pm. There is a $10 cover and a two drink minimum.

The cover and drink minimums suck, especially in these most unfortunate of times. But I would really appreciate your attendance. If I suck, you can mock me (I probably won't suck. You can still mock me if it will make you feel better). And of course, the more people I bring, the more they'll invite me back. So your attendance will be appreciated to no end by me.

Hope to see your wonderful, smiling face.

Wasteful Spending

Wasteful government spending during wartime. No surprises there. The biggest beneficiary of this wasteful spending being KBR, the conglomerate that has Haliburton, the company Dick Cheney used to be on the board of? Yeah, still not all that surprised from the administration that functioned entirely on cronyism. Thanks.

This is Why We Need Healthcare Reform

Things like this really shouldn't be happening in America. We need a public healthcare system so shit like this stops happening.

Here it is. Proof that I actually do stand-up comedy

Enjoy!

President Obama, the New George W Bush

Okay, not really. But this sounds a lot like Bush to me. We elected you to do things legally and enact justice. Something about holding people indefinitely without charge doesn't sound legal or just to me. Sure, these are bad dudes. So assassinate them in the cloak of darkness like all of the Presidents before you have. We'll never know the difference and it makes for great movies and books that are made after-the-fact. Oh wait, that's just like Bush, too. There really is no way around it is there...

Glad I'm not President.

I forgot one!

Good sirs and madams, I forgot to put a very delicious, very excellent summertime beer in my list, so I will do so now.

Samuel Adams Cherry Wheat!!!

It's a year-round beer, but I find it delightfully refreshing on a warm summer's day.

I Fail

I never wrote about my beer of the week last week. I apologize.

Because of this, there will be TWO beers of the week this week. Get excited. I know I am. I can finally digest food properly again.

Recidivism for Terrorists is 1 in 7

Which is abysmal compared to the recidivism rate for drug offenders. Four out of every five persons released from prison end up back in prison on another drug charge. Comparatively, these terrorists are at lot less devoted to their cause than those in the drug game are devoted to their business (or addiction). Sure, these terrorist guys are pretty dangerous and deadly, but riddle me this (seriously, I don't have the answer):  How many Americans does terrorism kill annually and how many Americans does drug-related violence kill annually?

I'm not saying I like hearing that 1 in 7 people released from America's prisons returns to terrorism (which is hard to believe because a decent percentage of the people incarcerated for terrorism in foreign countries weren't even caught by American forces; Americans paid a bounty to shady militants who brought in people claiming they were terrorists), but comparatively speaking, we have a much bigger, more deadly problem in the recidivism rate for drug offenders than we do with terrorists. Especially considering half of the people arrested for terrorism weren't terrorists beforehand and were turned into terrorists by our use of "enhanced interrogation techniques." 

Sorry. This report doesn't scare me. Guantanamo still needs to be shut down.

Interesting tidbits of news

Obama is a flip-flopper!

Food companies have absolutely no problem poisoning their customers as long as the number that die is less than the number than buy!

Obama pulls a political move because, well, he's a politician; it makes healthcare companies look like dick bags. This totally makes the flip-flopping okay, because the political move was for a good cause. 

WordNerd's Summer Beer Guide

Sooner rather than later, and depending on what part of the country (or world) you are in, the hot summer months will be on us. And being that my choice of beverage to cool me off during those months is not a frigid glass of iced tea or lemonade, but a well-chilled beer, I thought it best to share with the world my beer-survival guide for the impending heat and humidity of the summer of 2009.

One of the best places to look for a refreshing summer beer is to our friendly brewers to the south of these United States. Latin Americans tend to have to deal with heat and humidity more often than those of us in North America, so I tend to trust their expertise in brewing a beer that goes well with this kind of weather. One might immediately say Corona or Corona Light is the way to go to rejuvenate the lost energy of a hot summer afternoon. And while it is a safe route to go if you are hosting a group of friends, I recommend a different course of action. Not all Mexican and Latin American beers are created equal (just try a can of Tecate). 

Although not as light as a Corona, I suggest taking a small step up in quality and grabbing a sixer of Dos Aquis. It is a lager beer, and a little more robust in flavor and mouthfeel than Corona. However, it is, in my opinion, a much tastier beverage and just as refreshing. 

Also a personal favorite, Carib, out of Puerto Rico, isn't a bad choice. Buyer beware with Carib:  for some reason it is difficult to find a six-pack that isn't skunked. At least it was the last time I bought one. Like Corona, it is a lighter beer meant for consumption in places that don't have winters with snow. It has been a while since I've had a fresh one, so my memory is a little hazy on the taste.

Continuing on with the Latin American brews, Presidente, out of the Dominican Republic, is not a bad choice when seeking a tasty beverage to soothe your summer burn. Presidente is a lager beer, and like Dos Aquis, is a little bolder than a Corona or Carib, but does not overwhelm at all. It goes down easily as a summer beer should.

A another beer from our southern friends that excites the palate and cools the soul during a sweltering summer is Red Stripe, out of Jamaica. Again, a lager beer, Red Stripe has a fuller flavor, but not one that uncomfortably fills the stomach or overwhelms the taste buds. It's a well-balanced Caribbean brew meant to help you enjoy a cool summer's breeze on a hot summer eve.

Americans and even some Europeans aren't too shabby at developing tasty beverages that help cool down and refresh. Many a summer time beer, both intentionally and by happenstance, can be found pouring from a tap across the US. Here are a few favorites of mine:

Samuel Adams Summer Ale:  Served with or without the lemon slice, this beer has it all. A fruity aroma with subtle hints of fruit on the tongue and a light, well-balanced feel that won't fill you up too fast. As readers will soon find out, I am quite partial to Sam Adams beers, but my praise for this particular brew is well-deserved.

Goose Island Summertime Ale:  I had the luxury of having a friend of mine bring me an entire growler of this beer and I thank him for it. A bit like Sam Summer, Goose Island has a light, subtly fruity brew that is smooth and easy to drink. A highly-recommended beer, the Summertime Ale pleases the palate and leaves room in the stomach for a burger or two.

Paulaner Hefeweizen:  Although this is a year-round beer, I do find it particularly refreshing in the summer months. Like most unfiltered Hefeweizens, Paulaner brings a lighter, fruity taste that matches it's delightful aroma. Paulaner's Hefeweizen is a favorite of mine when at a crowded bar with poor air circulation in those hot summer month's when staying at the apartment is not an option, even though it makes perfect sense.

Now realizing how long this post is, I thought I'd round out my favorites with a simple list of recommendations for those looking for a quality beer to get through those steamy summer evenings with no air conditioning; to serve at a casual summer barbeque; to share with friends as you watch from your rooftop as the sun sets behind the skyline of Manhattan and the city lights up like a child's L.A. Gear sneaker (Hey 1990s). 

Blue Moon HoneyMoon Ale

Abita Purple Haze

Hoegaarden

Chelsea Piers Checker Cab Blonde Ale

Southertier Hop Sun

Middle Ages Raspberry Ale

Six Point Sweet Action

Brooklyner Weisse

Allagash White

Magic Hat #9

Magic Hat Wacko

If that doesn't give you a head start on summer, I don't know what will. Go forth, my friends, and enjoy your summer and your summer beers. Happy drinking to you all. Beer of the Week DEBUT TOMORROW!!!

I have a real show!

My stand-up comedy career is taking off!!!! (relative to what is previously was).

I have my first non-open-mic gig next week. It is on Wednesday, May 20th to be exact. At 9 pm. At New York Comedy Club.

Here's to hoping I won't suck!

Interesting Read

About the ineffectiveness of some anti-depressants and how simply taking something, regardless of whether it is an anti-depressant or a placebo, still makes people feel better. 

A New Idea

In an effort to force myself to write more original content for my blog, in combination with my love of beer, I'm going to start reviewing one beer a week on a 0-10 scale of awesomeness. I do not have a beer to review yet for this week, although there is a fresh six-pack I just purchased sitting in my refrigerator, waiting for me to get home.

I did want to give my wonderful readers, however few or many there may be, an idea of what the numbers on the scale actually mean and where they might find certain beers on this scale. Here is how the 0-10 scale breaks down:

0-2:  Varying degrees of awful. Beers in this bracket should immediately cease production because they are so terrible that it is a travesty to other, better beers that these pieces of shit exist. Beers found in this bracket would be something along the lines of Red Dog or Keystone Light (is there a Keystone "Regular"?).

3-4:  Below-average, but still drinkable. These beers are beers that if no other options are available and I simply must have a beer, I'll have one. But I won't enjoy it. Say, if I were at a cookout and the host only had Bud Light and Corona, I would have the Corona, but only by default. Other beers in this category would be Amstel Light and Killian's Irish Red.

5:  Average. I like it, but it's nothing special. I'll get it if it's available and there's nothing better, and I won't feel bad about it. Most of the Brooklyn Brewery beers I've had would fall in this category. Also in this category:  St. Pauli Girl, Abita Purple Haze and Dos Aquis.

6-7:  Above average and usually delicious. These beers are on my "actively seek out" list, but are not at the top. I'm very happy to order one at a bar or other sort of drinking establishment, and incredibly impressed when I happen upon them at a social gathering. Beers in the this bracket would be Hoegaarden, Sam Adams Winter Lager, Sierra Nevada Pale Ale and Victory Golden Monkey.

8:  Excellent beers. These straddle the line of above average and top-notch. They aren't quite the greatest, but they are close; there is just one thing missing that keeps these beers out of the next category. Beers that reside in this category would rank among the likes of Sam Adams Summer Ale, Paulaner Hefeweizen, Lion Stout and Sam Adams Blackberry Witbier.

9-10:  The best of the best, the cream of the crop, the pinnacle of beer perfection, when these beers grace my tongue I know I am a lucky man. These beers are at the tippity top of my "actively seek out" list. If I go to some sort of barbeque or party and these brews are in attendance, I usually hug the host. Beers that live in this world are in the company of Lake Placid Ubu Ale, Sam Adams Cream Stout and Sam Adams Imperial Stout. (Note:  As of this writing, there are no "10" beers).

I like to think of myself as a hard man to please when it comes to ranking beers. There are plenty of brews that I enjoy all the way from "5" and up. This list is simply my way of telling the world what I look for in a satisfying beer. I hope you enjoy the posts about my beer of the week, and happy drinking to you all.

Also, I invite all readers to ask where their favorite beers would land on my list. 

Well this doesn't make a whole lot of sense

No hiring of teachers outside of the NYC school system. Instead, a pool of recently laid off and teachers with UNSATISFACTORY REVIEWS will be hired instead.

Way to go.

Never Thought I'd be Against Redistributing Wealth...yet here we are

I realize it's preliminary, but this idea should NOT go forward as it has been outlined in this article. Taxing the health benefits of people covered by their employers is absolutely fucking ridiculous. If I had to pay taxes on my OUTRAGEOUSLY expensive insurance (when I still had a job), I wouldn't have been able to afford said insurance. An idea like this protects many. And now that I am one of those 50 million without insurance, it would greatly benefit me. But a plan like this marginalizes people who are barely getting by as it is that still have jobs. There has to be a better way. there has to be a better idea. This is a massive failure on Congress' and Obama's part. Go back to the drawing board. Figure something else out.

New York Should Do This, Too.

And then use the proceeds from the taxes to make the public transportation system less gross. Hell, they could probably LOWER fares on the subway if they started taxing marijuana sales. 

This is an idea I've been a fan of for a while now. Mostly because the War on Drugs will never be won, and if drugs are legalized, they can be taxed out the ass, like cigarettes are, and the government can finally pay for all the shit that everyone says it can't afford. Stimulus bill:  paid for. Bail out funds:  paid for. Who will regulate it? you might ask. The DEA. Just change their jobs description from active combatant to regulatory authority. Sure, there will be bootleg drugs just like there are bootleg cigarettes, but that's what the new regulatory DEA is for. Worried the pilot of your airplane is high on heroin? DEA will keep tabs on that douche.

Of course it won't work this smoothly. Things like this never will. But about 2,000 people are dying every MONTH in Mexico from the drugs people buy in America. If both countries legalize drugs, all of those cartels come under the STRICT regulation of the government. That means they have to pay taxes and follow the rules that every other business has to follow. Maybe I'm wrong. I am a bit of a dreamer. But this seems like a much better way to fight gang-violence and cartel slaughter. And it would be a boon for the US government to pay of it's debts. 

Ugly People on My TV.

I'm noticing more and more that ugly people are trying to be passed off as beautiful in advertisements. I don't get this. I'm no prize-peach myself and definitely don't belong on television trying to sell anything, but I know unattractive when I see it. For example, a new Doritos commercial has a girl riding around in the back of a taxi as day magically becomes night while she eats the chips. This girl is kinda weird looking. And in the end, when they doll her up to look good, she looks even worse.

I'm not complaining, though. I think equality among actors and actresses, both good, bad and somewhere in between in terms of looks, is always good. Battling the whole unattainable image thing is great. The Dove campaign about real beauty was cool, even though they did Photoshop the women (relax, EVERY photo you see is retouched. Your senior portraits in high school were retouched if you graduated anytime after the late 90s). I just don't understand if all of these ugly people in advertisements are an active campaign among agencies and casting directors to bring more "real" looking people into ads, or if this is one of those things where what is considered beautiful is changing again to something that I don't find beautiful. Both are possible, but I'm betting it's the latter of the two. Or something completely different. I don't really know.

What I do know is that there are more ugly people trying to sell me stuff on TV. And it really isn't making a difference in my life whatsoever. 

Samuel Adams Rocks My Face

Admittedly, I have a soft spot for Sam Adams. The company is guided by more than just the bottom line, but by morals as well as good business. They are incredibly passionate about putting out a high-quality, delicious product. And, the president of the company is a goofy dude.

All those things aside, I have recently been quite smitten with the latest from Sam Adams, as well as with the winners of the 2008 LongShot Home Brewing Contest.

The latest release from Sammy-A would be the Raspberry Witbier:  a delectable treat for the hint-of-fruit, somewhat lighter beer drinker. Highly recommend it!

The Imperial Series this year are also amazing; although I have yet to try the Double Bock. This makes me sad. The Imperial Stout, an unbelievable brew, actually looks like melted chocolate, except less thick. The higher alcohol content gives it a bold taste, but a smooth, well-balanced one that does not disappoint. The higher alcohol content also means you're only getting four beers instead of six and that you only need two (one on a partially empty stomach) to feel groovy.

The Imperial White, while also delicious, is my lesser favorite of the two. Lighter in color, to me it seems a little unbalanced due to the 10.3% ABV, which gives it a strong punch. However, it is still a delectable delight to imbibe as the day turns to night and the cares and worries fade with the sunlight. Just watch out for the high ABV. It'll sneak up on ya.

Finally, the LongShots this year are spectacular. They all are very bold beers. However, the Double IPA easily take the cake in terms of flavor. Brewed with seven different kinds of American hops, somehow this beer isn't completely out of whack. It is definitely a sipping beer that becomes more drinkable as it warms (to a certain extent). While one may not find the taste all that enjoyable because of its strength, the aroma from this beer is heavenly. Also, watch out for the covertly high ABV. Two of these just might get you a little sauced.

The LongShot Traditional Bock is less forward in its flavor, and for that reason, more drinkable. Of the three, I'd have to say that I like it the least, but it's still a great beer. The hops are not as prevalent as the Double IPA, and as such the aroma is not as flowery, but it is still a tasty beer that I recommend. 

The final LongShot is the Cranberry Wit. This beer is less fruity and more bold than the Blackberry Witbier brewed by Sam Adams, and the aroma from this beer doesn't make it blatantly obvious that is even a fruity beer. This isn't a bad thing. Some beers brewed with fruit have a tendency to be too sweet and can wear out a drinker, but this is well-balanced between the sweet taste of the Cranberry and the bold flavor of the beer. 

With that being said, go get the LongShots for this year. They're yummy.

Stuff like this exists and I still can't get a job

I did not find this. In fact, this is probably old news, but it's both incredibly disturbing and incredibly hilarious. 

Car dealerships need to stop doing their own commercials. 

In fact, here and now I am offering my services to any and all car dealerships that need advertising. I am offering these services for the following compensation:  I need a monthly unlimited MetroCard, a stipend for food, and the dealership is responsible for paying for production. 

I offer my services at such a steal because I care so much about the average TV-viewer having their day/afternoon/evening/night/life ruined by these absolutely atrocious pieces of crap that I am willing to work for almost nothing. 

If you're anything even remotely like me, bad advertising upsets you. I want there to be a day when the majority of ads on TV are good. A tall order, but it's doable. Especially if you don't count any and all commercials after 11:00pm and before 8:00am. 

Some More Good News

No more race problems in America.

Just kidding. Everyone still hates each other. Just not as much anymore. Progress is so wonderful.

Wish They Had This When I Was a Youngin'

Well, actually it wouldn't have mattered if they had this when I was a teen. Most of my high school career, this service would have been irrelevant. Either way, it seems like a good idea, albeit limited in its functionality, that should be continued. Would I want my kid texting some anonymous stranger about his or her sex life? No. 

But I also realize a few things:  It's hard for parents to discuss this stuff with their kids. It's hard for kids to discuss these things with their parents. Not a lot of people pay attention in health class, even in a comprehensive program where they teach safe sex practices. Kids have sex, in one form or another, sooner than parents want them to.

Take all that stuff together, and this service isn't such a bad idea. I just hope that when the time comes, when me and the future-misses have to broach this topic, we can do it effectively and answer all the questions the not-so-wee-ones in our lives will have. It will be awkward as hell, I will be nervous and anxious and terrified,  and I will probably have sleepless nights wondering how much banging my kids are doing. But what will get me through the days and nights when my kid(s) are out on dates is knowing that I gave them all of the proper knowledge and didn't hold back, and that part of the teaching and growing process is learning that all of his or her actions and decisions have consequences. 

Hopefully I'll be able to convey the cost-benefit analysis that $15 for a box of condoms is a lot less expensive than the $400 for an abortion, the countless fees for tests and proper healthcare of an STD, or the cost of raising a child.

Also, I think it's funny that the work analysis has the word anal in it, an in anal-retentive. Think about it: say the analyze as if it were hyphenated:  anal-yze...anal-ize. It makes me laugh. 

Further proof I am probably not ready to have children just yet.

Be American, Buy Whatever the Fuck You Want

I realize supporting American business is important. The few companies that still have manufacturing bases in this country deserve our support for not exporting jobs across the globe. I understand this. I'm even a fan on protectionism, in the sense that workers abroad are abused and mistreated and paid extremely poorly for their services. But I digress.

Unfortunately for those that cheerlead the "Be American, Buy American" slogan and it's variants, the truth is they are being very un-American. To be American is to seek the highest quality at the best price, regardless of who made it. Capitalism rewards the best business person, not the country where the business is located. If a Japanese company makes a better car at a better prices, then capitalism rewards that company for being better than everyone else. And that Japanese company deserves all of the splendor of these capabilities. If Americans suck at making cars, then American companies that make cars deserve to suffer. 

Do the employees deserve to suffer? No. The people on the manufacturing lines, the people answering phones, the people designing cool logos and the lower level employees don't suffer. To borrow a phrase from military speak, all of those people are collateral damage of poor decisions made by the leaders of these companies. They are victims of the bad decisions made by people who thought SUVs were the future of the automotive industry even though, since the 1970s, many an economist and scientist have been in agreement that oil and energy prices were going to skyrocket and fuel efficiency was the key selling point. They are people just like me, in a sense, a low level employee working at a level necessary for a company to run, but in no place to make any sort of decisions. They went to work, they worked hard, they did their jobs and are now unemployed facing a reality they had never contemplated in their wildest dreams. I feel for those people.

But the truth of the matter is:  America is a free market (sort of), capitalist economy. Those that conduct business in the best way survive, be they foreign or domestic. And the company that offers the best value, the best price for the quality and still turns a profit, is the company that deserves to survive, whether it is based in America or based in some foreign land. That's how capitalism works. So, to truly be American, you really should buy whatever brand of stuff you want to buy. Of course, explaining your new Honda to your neighbor that just got laid off from the Chrysler engine block manufacturing plant might be difficult. 

Wait! Who the hell am I kidding? No one can afford to buy a fucking car. 

The Dream is Being Relocated

The distant future has become the new reality. What once seemed like only a remote possibility has become an apparent inevitability. The dream of becoming a superstar copywriter (or stand up comedian, TV show writer, author, all around writing extraordinaire) is being forced to relocate from whence he came due to a lack of funds. In other words, I'm moving out of my apartment, and probably NYC, because I can't afford to live here anymore on the pittance I am given from unemployment. With savings depleted and job prospects non-existent, the time has come for me to circle the wagons, regroup and take another run at the dream from a different location. 

Dreams die hard, though. And I will continue to pursue them from my remote location outside of NYC, wherever it may end up being. Persistence can be an utter annoyance or a valuable asset. In this case, staring what at first seemed like failure in the face, persistence has helped me realize that this is a speed bump, not an insurmountable obstacle. I will overcome. I will succeed. And as terrified as I may be of success, I'll find it anyway. Because fears are only overcome when you face them. I tackled a huge fear when I went on stage on a cold (I think) February Thursday evening at a comedy club open mic in the Lower East Side and told 5-minutes worth of jokes about nothing but pornography (much to the she-grin of my girlfriend; sorry babe). 

If a nervous, anxiety-ridden dude from the second largest city in New Hampshire (I think) can come to New York City and make some people laugh while doing some jokes, I think I can handle a little setback like this. Time will tell. And unless I have some terminal illness that I am unaware of or I get hit by a bus in the near future, time is on my side. The world has only gotten a taste of the WordNerd. There will be much more to come in the near future. Especially on this blog.

I do still have a month left. So this isn't a final good-bye to my home of the last 16 months. Not yet. But the day is coming soon. And I think I'm ready to say see you later, New York. Good-byes are too final. Good-byes are too permanent. This isn't a good-bye. It's an adios-for-now, but I'll be back soon.

Unless NYC spirals into the crime-ridden cesspool of violence and destruction that wracked it during the 80s and early 90s. Then I might not be back. 

Worth a Read

Op-Eds are an important part of a healthy diet.

Condi Rice is an Evil Bitch. Anyone surprised?

Condoleeza Rice has been caught with her pants down (ew). Turns out she had a much larger role in okaying torture than she led on (oh my goodness, I'm so surprised a Bush Administration official lied to Congress). I've always had a vast, vast distaste for Condi Rice. I'm not sure anyone has betrayed her own, for a lack of a better word, people, on two fronts, by being so supportive and infatuated with Bush, Jr. If I were a woman, I would absolutely despise Condi Rice and perhaps burn her in effigy on a weekly basis. If I were black, I would absolutely despise Condi Rice and perhaps burn her in effigy on a weekly basis. If I were a black woman, my head would explode with anger and frustration. 

Thankfully, at least in this sense, I am neither a woman, nor black. Still, Condi Rice is evil and possibly has no soul, much like the rest of her cohorts in that clusterfuck of ignorance and destructive radicalism. 

What's that? Guantanamo is still open? We aren't bringing anyone to justice over the torture stuff? No one in the military is being held accountable for ordering torture? Dick Cheney is still allowed to be on television? Rush Limbaugh isn't in prison for being a drug addict?

What is this, Soviet Russia?

US and Lebanese elections not so dissimilar

Votes in exchange for hospitals, paved roads and so on? Candidates providing their own ballots to voters instead of one ballot provided nationally? Weak campaign finance laws that are easy to circumvent? Money being spent on candidates reaching into the hundreds of millions? 

How is this any different from what goes on in this country? 

The only thing Lebanon has that we don't is people over there aren't afraid to literally sell their vote.